monday, Week 41: first day of june.

monday, Week 41: last day of radiation.

in a spur of the moment decision, andy drives us to my last appointment. due to covid-19, as well as the daily nature of radiation, i have been driving myself to my appointments for the past six weeks. (this has deprived you all of our traditional treatment selfies, for which i apologize.)

everyone is all smiles and encouragement for graduation day. otherwise, all happens as usual regarding treatment. dressing room, gown, identity verification, table, stretch, scoot, attachment, Baconate, attachment #2, Baconate, done. i ask if i can get several more packages of mepilex dressings, since i will no longer be showing up on a daily basis with easy access to them. the tech who is perpetually concerned about my skin, bless his heart, walks me down to the nurses station so that someone can supply me with dressings and also check the nightmare of my current skin condition. the nurse shows a normal amount of concern and i can tell she feels bad about my ever-growing problem areas. "i get the feeling that most people don't have this much of an issue?" she pauses with a sort of deer-in-the-headlights look, and it's hard to tell with the surgical mask, but i'm guessing she is trying to figure out what response would be more comforting/appropriate to tell me. i don't remember if she actually ever gave me an answer. she gives me several packages of mepilex and we discuss getting me scheduled to see dr. d next week, just to check in on things. and then... i am done. i make my way to the dressing room, get myself changed, and head towards the lobby. andy is there waiting, as is gayle at the front desk, as i walk out and ring the Last Day of Radiation bell.

now, before i get any further, let me make this perfectly and abundantly clear: radiation can go fuck itself. "radiation is easier than chemo"? no. fuck that. not in my case. i told andy more than once that i would rather go back and have chemo again. without question. i can do tired, i can do hair loss, i can do weird things happening to taste buds and fingernails. i did NOT sign up for half of the skin on my chest to darken into a maroon desert-like crisp, for skin peeling off my body without fully formed new skin underneath, for creams and dressings and not being able to move easily or wear proper clothes, for sharp stinging shooting pain barely touched by medication. no. fuck all of this. i realized before, and even moreso now, that i tolerated chemo very well. not everyone does. i know this. i was lucky. if you are reading this and your radiation was more like my chemo (i.e. pretty easy), be as thankful for that as i am for my chemo. well, as thankful as one can be regarding shitty cancer treatments. i should note that i spend at least two hours a day tending to my ever-evolving skin situation. some of that is showering, some of that is arts and crafts time as i cut pieces of mepilex to try and fit whatever shapes i need at that moment, some of that is carefully wiping off old silvadene cream (which turns into a gross mucus-like goop by the time a dressing change is needed), some of that is carefully applying new silvadene cream, some of that is applying the arts and crafts jigsaw dressings over the silvadene, and some of that is just simply looking in the mirror going... "what the FUCK? how did i get to this place?" ...and that, my friends, is the reality of cancer, the reality of chemo, the reality of radiation. mine, anyway. good riddance.

the excitement of it being the last day of radiation causes me to ignore the very real physical pain that i am feeling. we head home, have lunch, and then i am back out for physical therapy. we chat as i use the arm bike as slowly as one could possibly imagine, and exert a similar amount of energy using the arm pulleys. i realize i probably should have cancelled today's appointment, as it is not urgent, but! last day! so exciting! eventually it is time for lymphatic massage and i am able to mostly just relax. i make it home, finish out the workday, and am as grumpy as i have ever been in quite some time, because i am also in as much pain as i have ever been in quite some time. as always lately, andy takes care of dinner and cleanup, and i survive the evening on tylenol and not doing much until it is time to shower, apply dressings, down some tramadol, and fall into bed. it was the best of days (no more Baconator!), it was the worst of days (WOW, the pain).

tuesday morning, i thankfully find that monday was probably going to be the worst of the pain. don't be mistaken, there is still pain (and indeed, there still is as i write this on sunday), but the intensity has decreased over the course of the night. eleven o'clock rolls around and it feels odd to continue working, instead of heading to radiation. not that i'm complaining, but, still weird.

wednesday is much of the same, but also a bit of the old routine: physical therapy. though even that is slightly different, as i am spared the arm stretches, and we focus on the lymphedema treatment. afterwards, i stop by the store for a few items, but mostly for a fresh batch of tylenol. i believe i had bought some shortly before surgery, and this has to be the first time in my entire life that i have finished a bottle of ANY over-the-counter pain medication and actually remembered when it was purchased (to be honest, they usually get tossed because they have expired). thanks, i guess, Cancer Land? as i walk around the store, i am reminded that i am generally in pain while just sitting at my desk or on the couch, and this whole walking around the store thing is something my body is not currently happy about. i quickly make my way to checkout and back home. dinner, board games, shower, dressings, bed.

i can't remember anything notable about thursday, so let's talk about my dragon skin, shall we? at this point, the portion of my skin that ISN'T peeling more or less has the consistency of a giant scab. except not one giant scab, more like... picture a dry lake bed, all the moisture evaporated from it, tiny dry channels creating tiny dry areas left behind. got it? yeah. as you might imagine, this is not pretty or comfortable and all of it is itchy as hell. there are some portions that are beginning to flake off, and this is the day i begin to lightly remove a few of the obviously flaked portions, only to reveal... new intact skin underneath! granted, it is sort of a mottled pinkish grayish color, and is still pretty sensitive, but it is actual closed skin, and i am pumped. forward progress! i mean, the other areas hit by the boosts during the last week are still gross and only getting worse, but i'll take what i can get.

on friday, i realize that i am going through dressings like wildfire, and call up the radiation oncology department to arrange to pick some up before the weekend. actually, i call twice, so i can upgrade my order... i did the math and figured i should get enough to hold me over until my appointment with dr. d next thursday. as it turns out, old habits die hard, and i find myself leaving at 11am to pick them up. it feels like an appropriate way to round out the last week of radiation.

this weekend has been pretty chill (inside, not outside. outside is HOT). a mix of sleeping in, playing board games, observing carpenter ants, grilling out, church, exercises, and, of course, writing. speaking of which... i'm not quite sure how i will be proceeding with writing here in the future. i will continue to have twice weekly physical therapy sessions until my lymphedema and range of motion issues are resolved; i will continue to have monthly zoladex injections; i will see dr. d next week, dr. h in six weeks, and dr. m at the end of july; and i will have a ct scan in july as well. maybe i will continue the weekly entries? maybe they will be more sporadic, and updates given as events warrant. maybe i will return the blog to what it used to be -- assorted ramblings about life. maybe i'll get introspective. it's a little unclear at the moment. i know that i don't have the energy to tie a big red bow around anything tonight, but i'm sure something will eventually percolate. for now, it feels nice for Week 41 to be the last entry of intense cancer treatments, after recently turning 41; it feels as though i have lived an entire lifetime over those forty-one weeks. thanks for coming along. whatever it is that happens next: let's do this.