i was going to write an entry about you. my thoughts, my questions, just to get things out in the open, you know? but i've been sitting here with my arms crossed, fooling myself into thinking that i was thinking, when in reality my posture was probably more truthful. so, instead, i'll write an entry to you. it's ridiculous, i know. but i've sort of forgotten how to relate to you, so i'll hide behind my words, as i am wont to do.

how are you? it's been awhile. i've been missing you a lot lately. my own fault, of course. i'm sorry. it's like far too many of my other relationships... feeling far away and longing for their companionship, but somehow i can't be bothered to make a phone call or send a simple message. but if you think about it, no one's knocking down my door either, right? selfish but true. except i guess you're a little different. you're long past the door knock and have taken up residence inside, currently hanging out with the finger foods and wondering when the host will be coming around again. i marvel at your tenacity and steadfastness. i know i could never say this nearly enough, and i know you already know this, but thank you so much for staying with me. even when it seems the only time i call for you is when i need an emergency tray of hors d'oeuvres or something. because somehow, you always find me. and more often than not you know just which something to bring, even if it's not what i asked for, or wanted.

what's up with that, anyway?

i hate to say this, but if i'm going to come clean, i'll be perfectly honest: sometimes i can get pretty pissed at you. i just don't understand so many of the things that you do, or don't do. and i know it's none of my business, really, but GOSH would it kill you to just give a hint or two?? seriously. i know, i know: faith, perseverance, character, blah. i get it. i trust you with [for] my life, and i know you know what you're doing. i just don't always like it. but i suppose that's my problem, not yours.

you know, i hear so many people talk about you. everyone has their own ideas about the things you've said and done, and frankly, it gets confusing sometimes. it's like the largest game of telephone, ever. it seems like you've left a heckload of rules, but actually i think it's that open-endedness that's got me all tripped up. give me an inch and i'll take a mile, you know? i like order and rules and stuff... but i guess that's not really what you're going for, anyway. i should really make an effort to review all those things you wrote for me. i have a lot of questions i should probably ask you too, instead of just directing them at nothing and no one in particular. and also... maybe i should just shut up and listen.

oh... and you know that thing with the stuff and the yeah? i need some serious help with that. and pretty much everything remotely related to it. i certainly can't do it on my own.

i need You. please help me.