message board posting. december 30, 2003.

[it's kinda long.]

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i believe in God - church of rhythm

a man walked up to me the other day
he was very educated, he had a lot of things to say
he was oh-so-forward-thinking, and so very up-to-date
and he wanted to teach me about faith

he said, "how can you believe in a Thing you've never seen?"
he said, "how can you believe with all the evil that we have seen?"
he said, "don't you know that no one believes
in your simple old-fashioned faith?"

i said, "i believe in God"
i said, "i believe in the impossible"
i said, "i believe in God
though none go with me, i will follow"

he said, "man, i've been to a church
well, i was lied to, judged and hurt
well, all i saw was guilt and hypocrisy...
why believe?"

i said, "friend, you didn't meet my God that day"
i said, "friend, sit down, let me tell you about grace
well, i've been where you are some yesterday, but today,
i believe..."

i said, "i've been saved by faith"
i said, "Jesus loves me, this i know"
i said, "i believe in grace
and where He leads me, i will follow"

so don't turn away
please don't close your eyes
if i did not believe with all that i am
well i would not waste your time...

i said, "i believe in God"
i said, "i believe in the impossible"
i said, "i believe in God
though none go with me, i will follow"

i said, "i've been saved by faith"
i said, "Jesus loves me, this i know"
i said, "i believe in grace
and where He leads me, i will follow"

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so, many of you know about the struggles i have been going through regarding church. for those who don't, a quick and concise explanation would be that i left my old church in august... due to heart-wrenching leadership disagreement[s] with a man who is not only pastor, but friend. so, after countless sleepless nights, i chose to leave this church [little "c"], knowing that the bitterness and disappointment and numerous other rollercoaster emotions [many unfit to print here] regarding him and the situation, would simply foster more hurt all around had we continued on in this way. anyway, it's been... almost half a year [wow] and still the bitterness rages, though time has helped to heal some of the surface scratches. deep wounds though, have been left untouched [by lazy old me]... i know i must forgive, and desperately want to [in theory]. but when the rubber meets the road... i have had no desire to open the gate to that particular path just yet. and then i heard this song... certainly not for the first time. i have sung this song for others before, in fact... but this is the first time i listened to it and found myself honestly relating, not only to the author, but also to the disillusioned man. hurt by christians... burned by church. strange to find myself in both mindsets concurrently... not only am i in need of [re]discovering grace in the Church, but i am in need of extending this same grace to another in the Church... so that [in context of this song] when others see my life... they will not see 'lies... judgment... hurt... guilt... hypocrisy'... they will be able to see grace being walked out, and made reality. i pray that i will make it there sooner rather than later... yet, God's will be done.

but, i'm not done yet. the second head-spinning song:

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where is God - church of rhythm

where is God in all of this?
where is my faith in all of this?
where are the answers
to help me live through this?

he can't stand the fighting anymore
he goes to his room, he shuts the door
and somewhere a father and a mother
talk about divorce again

she's been missing since last may
she would have turned thirteen today
and somewhere a father and I
say a prayer for this little girl...

where is God in all of this?
where is my faith in all of this?
where are the answers
to help me live through this?

maybe i'm a doubting thomas
maybe i've a skeptics heart
if i can't believe that everything
can be Jesus-talked away

i know God is real, and i need Him
more than i need any slogan
God be real to me
and heal this darkness in my faith...

where is God in all of this?
where is my faith in all of this?
where are the answers
to help me live through this?

i may not understand, but there is God
i may feel alone, but i have God
i may not believe, but through it all
He's still my God...

[chorus 2]:
there is God in all of this
there is my faith in all of this
there are the answers
to help me to live through this

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this pretty much sums up me right now. there is darkness and there is despair and there is questioning... but at the core of my faith and my being... still i know God is here and desires only the best for me and for the course of my life. unfortunately that often means pruning and pain... but on the other side of that, i know there is growth to be found.

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