i am reminded today, even moreso than most days, of just how damn selfish i am.

i resist certain changes for the simple fact that they disrupt the patterns of MY life. despite the fact that they may better someone other than myself... despite the fact that they are to be a quite expected part of life... despite the fact that they should be supported by, of all people, me.

or maybe it's not selfishness. maybe it's jealousy. or neediness. then again, it could just be the time-honored tradition of good ol' pms. whatever it is, it's causing me to doubt my sanity once again.

come to think of it... perhaps it is the lack of control. i lack any kind of control over these changes. and as often happens, the overcompensation results in a vise-like grip on any perceived vestige of control that may bring itself to light. yep, that's real good for growth.

life has thrown me some curveballs lately [and by "lately" i mean anywhere from the past two months to the past two years] that have all too easily shown just how little control i have over outward events that affect my inward life. mind you, i'm not taking the woe-is-me-i'm-a-victim stance on life. i'm just stating the obvious: sometimes life catches me off guard. shakes up my columns. messes with my locus of control.

i don't really like that.

and the kicker of it all is that if you asked about my general outlook on life, the universe, and everything... i would say that ultimately, God is in control. which makes this entire entry seem just a bit... silly. doesn't it? i want for it to be all about me, but at the same time i fully acknowledge that this is neither the way things are nor the way things should be. i've been cycling those opposing thoughts in my head every hour or so. it's really quite dreadful, because i should already be in bed because i know i won't get to sleep right away because i'm thinking all these thoughts because i am feeling insane because of my fallen human condition.

perhaps it would do me well to focus on something other than self.

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails.

the antithesis of self, this seems.
Lord, help me to love so recklessly, despite the risk.