i lost my gift receipt
i've never dated anyone.
there. i said it. i've never dated anyone. i'd like to say it's been some sort of noble cause, as if i have a stack of dusty applications lazily strewn on a desk from suitors that just didn't make the cut. but it is what it is: no drama, no what-ifs, no ex-es. simply put, no interested parties.
in some ways i am thankful. i see the pain of rejection in the eyes of friends, and i hear the hurt in their voices. i feel their grief in my heart, but know it is not quite the same. i watch the relationships that should never have been, and i listen to the stories of boyfriends past. i feel their burden on my heart, but know it is not quite the same. i see and understand the pain well, but for the most part, i am removed from it.
on the other hand, this circumstance certainly creates a lot of questions. is it a test of patience? is it something i lack? is there something wrong with me? never are we promised a mate, which raises a most unsettling question: is there even anyone out there for me?
is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? i sort of feel like it's the difference between a gunshot wound and a chronic illness. the difference between horrifying, intense pain which can be pinpointed, cleansed, bandaged and healed; and a slow, underlying ache which can only be controlled, subdued, and kept at bay. the difference between having scars that can be pointed at and talked about; and having open-ended questions, continually wondering if your illness has any hope for a cure. the difference between knowing specifically the event that caused your pain; and wondering aimlessly why you were chosen for this particular booby prize. the difference between having someone reject you; and never having someone to reject you. a rejection from man; and a seeming rejection from all mankind.
as dire as this all sounds, most days i'm perfectly fine with it all. i can rest in the knowledge that i am a whole and complete person unto myself, and that i can spend the entire day in my pajamas without leaving my apartment, eating chocolate ice cream and watching what not to wear, and no one would ever be the wiser. occasionally, though, the perpetual aloneness [though not necessarily loneliness] shows up as a burden to bear. it's not really a despair, or even a sadness, really... just simply more of a weight than anything specific.
in christian circles, the state of being unmarried is often referred to as a "gift of singleness". i find this phrase theologically meaningless; a useless line created to bully single people into feeling good about being single, and to make married people who actually use this phrase feel like they're bestowing a great and holy wisdom upon said singles. instead, it imparts bad theology and the implication that if you are single you are not really allowed to be unhappy about it. it says, 'enjoy your gift, dammit, and don't complain. we're busy being content over here.' if ever i utter this phrase without severe sarcasm, dear readers, you must promise to beat me senseless.
i think i lost my "gift" receipt somewhere.
there. i said it. i've never dated anyone. i'd like to say it's been some sort of noble cause, as if i have a stack of dusty applications lazily strewn on a desk from suitors that just didn't make the cut. but it is what it is: no drama, no what-ifs, no ex-es. simply put, no interested parties.
in some ways i am thankful. i see the pain of rejection in the eyes of friends, and i hear the hurt in their voices. i feel their grief in my heart, but know it is not quite the same. i watch the relationships that should never have been, and i listen to the stories of boyfriends past. i feel their burden on my heart, but know it is not quite the same. i see and understand the pain well, but for the most part, i am removed from it.
on the other hand, this circumstance certainly creates a lot of questions. is it a test of patience? is it something i lack? is there something wrong with me? never are we promised a mate, which raises a most unsettling question: is there even anyone out there for me?
is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? i sort of feel like it's the difference between a gunshot wound and a chronic illness. the difference between horrifying, intense pain which can be pinpointed, cleansed, bandaged and healed; and a slow, underlying ache which can only be controlled, subdued, and kept at bay. the difference between having scars that can be pointed at and talked about; and having open-ended questions, continually wondering if your illness has any hope for a cure. the difference between knowing specifically the event that caused your pain; and wondering aimlessly why you were chosen for this particular booby prize. the difference between having someone reject you; and never having someone to reject you. a rejection from man; and a seeming rejection from all mankind.
as dire as this all sounds, most days i'm perfectly fine with it all. i can rest in the knowledge that i am a whole and complete person unto myself, and that i can spend the entire day in my pajamas without leaving my apartment, eating chocolate ice cream and watching what not to wear, and no one would ever be the wiser. occasionally, though, the perpetual aloneness [though not necessarily loneliness] shows up as a burden to bear. it's not really a despair, or even a sadness, really... just simply more of a weight than anything specific.
in christian circles, the state of being unmarried is often referred to as a "gift of singleness". i find this phrase theologically meaningless; a useless line created to bully single people into feeling good about being single, and to make married people who actually use this phrase feel like they're bestowing a great and holy wisdom upon said singles. instead, it imparts bad theology and the implication that if you are single you are not really allowed to be unhappy about it. it says, 'enjoy your gift, dammit, and don't complain. we're busy being content over here.' if ever i utter this phrase without severe sarcasm, dear readers, you must promise to beat me senseless.
i think i lost my "gift" receipt somewhere.
mdog
27 Comments
Reader Comments (27)
i'm so thankful that i'm a guy. i just don't understand the dynamics of what this time might be like for you. i'm sorry. one thing i can tell you with certainty, however, is that the more in love you become with your Savior, the more lovely you become to "us". if only that meant that a guy would step up and do something about it, eh?
But you're right... in theory this sounds good and easy and ideal but in practice it hurts to be not chosen again and again in this world influenced heavily by romantic comedies and beautiful people.
Or not chosen yet.
ps. I plan to spend entire days in my pajamas when I'm married.
pps. I'm thankful I'm not a guy.
and for the majority of my life, even up until about a year ago, i understood exactly where you are, m. but in a relationship, there can still be plenty of loneliness. i'd have to say the ache is the same depth having or not having; they're just different in origin.
you've seen where it's taken me & i'm not sure you'd trade just to have that experience?
heck, i don't know where my gift receipt is either. :p
i'm curious, too, lance, about what you meant by "i'm so thankful that i'm a guy." expound please . . .
ahhh... that's my point exactly. i'm not saying that one is worse than the other, or that i would prefer one over the other. both are painful, to be sure, but in vastly different ways.
glad i was able to get the point across. :D
Really loving and receiving Christ's love seems to be absolutely crucial to enjoying anything in life, yet it seems to be something we grow into, something learned (i.e. not automatic). It seems to me that perhaps the more we learn about how to receive Christ's nearness and to love Him every moment, the more we realize similar principles apply to similarly enjoying the nearness of a person who bears His image and loving them consistently.
Moreover, if the concept, (or the prospect) of loving and being loved by a person who bears God's image is so compelling, how much more sweet, deeply and profoundy exciting and satisfying would it be to really be in love with God (really recieving and loving Him)? Yet, do you think we miss this? Do you think perhaps we've been so taken by His parable (marriage) that we've forgotten the sweetness His Loving Voice and we don't know how to identify (or recognize) our desire for Him? This I think is what God is patiently, gently clearing up for me and healing me of. If anyone has any thoughts, please share.
By the way, I appreciate everyone's honesty and the space to talk. Hope you enjoy learning to love and be loved in return. Share your experience.
The first step to recovery is recognizing your illness. Does this mean my days of singleness are over?
For me, Maria, it's the occasional loneliness not aloneness. I guess I'm sort of odd, but I enjoy my aloneness very much.
Sorry, Angie... it just sounded like group therapy for a minute.
I could add a lot to this, but I don't have the time right now to do it. And if I do, I'll be gracious enough to use my own bandwidth.
The girls that I'm exposed to work on a timeline. Many of them think that you need to meet a man in college. I'm in grad school now, and I swear to you that there are girls here that are here for that purpose and that purpose only. They "missed the boat" in college and are now in grad school to get their man. My school is a $38,000 per year boat ride.
I will mention, however, that it's so easy to pinpoint where other's relationships failed and, even long after, you are oblivious to where yours went wrong.
I could write more, but perhaps we shall save this for another time....
i couldn't imagine going through grad school only to find a husband! all that hard work and $$$$???? crazy.
i'd hope that i could wear pajamas all day if i felt like wearing pajamas all day.
hope i made some sense...thanks for this discussion!
welcome, cynthia. i really like this.
funny, i was just talking with a friend today about the definite 'group therapy' feel of blogging. feel free to therapize, but let it be known that i am not a licensed counselor in any way, shape, or form. :)
thank you, everyone, for the continuing discussion...
disclaimer #2: since posting this entry, i've been asked by a few people if i'm depressed or unhappy. the answer is NO. if i could sum up this entire entry in one sentence, i wouldn't say anything about loneliness or sadness or despair. i would say... some days, it just gets tiresome.
The pajama thing? GREAT idea. I hear that's a sport in some countries. Keep doing it.
And about God's plan? I think a lot of people like to get caught up in what they think God wants of them. It's quite bold of someone to think they know what an omnipotent being has planned. Whatever happens will happen. I believe things happen for a reason.
Paul: the answer to your question depends on the definition of "fulfilling". In my personal beliefs: no. Marriage is a blessing from God, the union of two souls. I don't know what could be more fulfilling than that.
:)
to answer those lingering questions ... i was referring to the fact that men and women do have different roles in relationships (including the "pursuit" thing you mentioned, mdog), and i don't envy (possibly because i don't identify with) the position that women are often left in.
plus, i just like being a guy. i don't think you want me to explain that in-depth here. :)
I loved what you had to say with the "gift receipt" topic. I, through my own experiences, don't agree with the old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost than to have ever loved at all." I have loved and lost, and there are times I sit and wonder if it had been better to have not loved at all, and mostly, I feel like it would have been. Because for me, though I loved someone once, the Lord relentlessly, thankfully, chased me down and rescued me from that relationship that would have ended in marriage, had he not been merciful to step in. I walked out of it and went through a long and very painful process of healing. It wasn't of God. It was my own way. And the ramifications of that were huge. I see now that I should have surrendered that to Him. I wish I could say, like you, that I have a clean slate. If I find that right person that God selects, that I could come to him clean, unblemished, and innocent. I know that through the blood of Jesus, I can, but there is that history that is still there.
Though it may seem difficult at times, and please don't think I'm trying to talk at you on this, I just see from the other side of that, that I would love to be in your shoes. And I believe the Lord will honor you with the right person at the right time, and when it's so, you are giving him a wonderful gift. Maybe the Lord is keeping you until then for that reason, no unnecessary heartbreaks, no struggles, no messes of the past, clean and unvarnished, until that time comes. Anyways, just my take on it, I hope I haven't offended or overstepped my bounds here, just thought I'd offer another perspective. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so vulnerably and beautifully.
and paul, this is obviously a subjective topic that changes from person to person, but from experience I've found that I, as much as I try otherwise, tend to at some point fall for the male friends who have passed a certain level of intimacy. intimacy has become kind of a girl word, but by that I mean sharing of heart-thoughts. in some cases we have gotten to that point because we are safe people, one or both is in another dating relationship. but then at some point both of us are single and we get along and it's like this weird impulse that 'it could work' morphs into 'it should work'.
Last night I was talking with a 'safe' guy I know and he shared his desire for a wife to be a friend first. on some level I agree with this, but in recent years I have switched from trying to limit my perception of relationships to either extreme -- what the church ("only date the person you know you want to marry") and culture ("if he's cute and nice, go ahead and hop in bed") say. I find myself lost in the muddle between the extremes, desiring authentic and diverse relationships, wanting to stay in touch with but apart from culture, and past the age when I'm interested in idle pursuits...
I dated my high school sweetheart off and on over the course of five years. We were best friends first and remained friends even during the "off" times. From my limited perspective on relationships, I was pretty sure that this had to be the guy I was going to marry. Yeah, not so.
Then there was the Rebound Relationship, where I got wrapped up by a total charmer who was so many things the first guy wasn't -- I mean, the guy wrote poetry about me, for pete's sake. But this, too, ended when his charms got focused on another.
In a prayer of heartache, I finally told God the truth about how I was feeling. I didn't want to be "that girl" who only found her security in relationships. I didn't want to go from one boy to the next trying to find the proverbial "One". And basically, I just asked Him to take the desire to be in a relationship away from me until He knew I was ready to have one... the lasting one.
I have to say that He has completely honored that request. Not to say that no guy caught my eye over the years, but it was so refreshing to just live and enjoy people's company without spending my nights pining away for someone who wasn't really meant for me.
And yeah, the guy who makes my heart skip a beat... he wants to marry me too. And I know that I've grown during these years of singleness that have brought me closer to being the woman who he deserves as his wife.
instead, i'll thank you again for the continued discussion...
Totally concise and to-the-point thoughts... I want to print your post out and thumbtack it to my bulletin board.
"a rejection from man; and a seeming rejection from all mankind"
wow, that hit hard.
your thoughts resonate deeply, and i have a million things to say yet nothing is coming, so i leave it with saying that i stand with you in this, that you are loved, loving, and loveable, and if it's not in your life or hasn't been in your life then it hasn't been part of God's plan in your life to date. rest assured that you are in good hands, that He has a purpose and plan for you with GOOD and wonderful thoughts towards you, not evil.