okay. so.
jumbled thoughts loosely based on the stereotypical discussion. it's late, so this could get scary.
first, i am irritated that i feel as though i really have to make a t-shirt that says "I'M STRAIGHT!" when doing things as mundane as shopping for home furnishings [no offense of course, kt. i would TOTALLY date you if i (we) were into that]. or even just talking about my friends, for that matter. i'm more of a "know a few people deeply" person as opposed to a "know a lot of people vaguely" person. and i am generally much closer with girls than guys. can you see where this is going? so, for instance, at my workplaces, i've sometimes felt a little uneasy, wondering if talking about weekends and events and movies spent mainly with girl friends and female roommates are throwing any red flags to my audience. i mean, i'm not married, and it's not like i've ever talked about any boyfriends, right? stupid sexualized society.
second, are people really so confused to see short hair on the female form? hello? apparently this only became normal in the last few years. all i know is that it only seems like the older folk [the people at the post office, especially. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE PEOPLE AT THE POST OFFICE??] get thrown off by the short hair. younger folk not so much [certain high schoolers excluded]. honestly... barely ever.
two thoughts keep surfacing when i tread the short hair question: 1) wouldn't it just be easier to grow it out and not deal with the misperceptions?, and 2) HELL NO, I LOVE HAVING SHORT HAIR.
okay. so. short hair is a non-negotiable for the time being. which brings up two more thoughts: 1) does this scare / confuse / turn off the single guys?, and 2) HEY, IT'S THEIR LOSS.
yep, you guessed it, two more thoughts: 1) the right guy is going to look past the outer appearances be intrigued by like me in spite of love me because of who i am [and how that translates to my appearance], and 2) seriously, what am i, delusional? am i just kidding myself?
no one has yet to show interest -- uh, like, ever -- so at least i know it's not just the hair. not that that's totally comforting when i really step back and think about it. and, of course, some of you may be thinking well, you can show interest too, you know. i know times have changed since i was in high school, and it's pretty normal for gals to ask guys out now. but i don't think that will be happening here anytime soon: chalk it up to a little old-fashionedness and a life of unspoken rejection. quite frankly, my thoughts go somewhere along the lines of who the hell would want the ugly girl hitting on them? [how's that for a little 2am self-disclosure?] now, this is not a manipulative plea for compliments and assurance. i'm just being realistic here. by the standards of society-at-large: i. am. not. very. attractive. the occasional 'sir' at the post office [i'm really starting to hate that place] or grocery store serves only to confirm this. the thing is... i'm pretty okay with it. i like who i am and who i am becoming. and if there is indeed someone out there for ol' mdog, then none of this garbage is going to matter much. i will be seen for who i am, not what i look like.
that 'if', though... it can really bother me some days.
[okay. so. male bloggentators: is short hair on women intimidating? i realize this is a sweeping generalization. intentionally so.
feel free to bloggentate without answering the pop quiz. it will not be graded. i'm just curious.]
mdog
32 Comments
Reader Comments (32)
have to say that the guys who openly admit they are attracted to me kinda freak me out (most recently being this past weekend at my friends' wedding)
i think it's highly possible that you could come off as intimidating to some guys. you're a very self-possessed, intelligent, confident and yes, attractive, woman. quite a few guys i know are intimidated by that. but the one who sees your true pretty & witty nature will be one lucky guy.
hey, i'm pushing 27 & still waiting on it myself. remember the whole 25 discussion we had last year? ;) just remember to be happy in who you are in the here and now. it's harder for me some days than others, but my friends (girls mostly) do help me to see that.
A male friend of mine once told me that he hated how all the girls he was attracted to already had boyfriends. And he reasoned that this was because those were the girls weren't giving off the desperation vibe that guys seem to find oh-so scary.
my point though is that it started on the inside, not the outside. the desire to be more attractive the opposite sex is manifesting itself in me by wearing flirtier (but not hussy) clothes, letting my hair grow and flounce around, making eye contact, etc. it has NOT been natural for me and, honestly, for years i DIDNT want the attention.
i'm not saying you should change, just sharing some of the things that i am relating to with what you have said and what i am going through at the moment.
Also...hair length has very little to do with whether whether it comes off as girly, feminine or manish or androgenous or whatever. Cut/style/texture are also very important. You can still have short hair, but maybe something softer or styled in a more feminine way. It is definitely not just length.
There's my two cents.
here's the thing: i'm fine with my wardrobe. i'm fine with my hair [re: 'I LOVE HAVING SHORT HAIR', above]. i'm fine not wearing makeup, i'm fine not painting my toenails. etcetera, etcetera.
point #1: i am not pretty. even if i was into makeup and was all uber-girly, it wouldn't really matter. revlon can't change genetics. i am okay with this. no point worrying about something you can't change.
point #2: i'm comfortable with me [re: 'i like who i am and who i am becoming']. what i'm uncomfortable with is the wondering: are there guys out there who really do appreciate a no-frills, below-average-looking kinda gal who, in all other respects, is pretty damn amazing? if there are, yay. if there aren't, well, i should get used to singledom because this is simply who i am. for me to change would be to deny myself. i wouldn't be me anymore. i've heard many guys swear up and down that they prefer a natural look, but usually it's only in theory. and i cannot stand theories.
But your smile will win anyone over. You're right that people have to look deper than the surface to see the amazing women inside. ANd Rachel's right. In the city (my city here), it's actually becoming the thing to have short (often spiky) hair. In my church, too. So go with it..be ahead of the mid-west, behind-the-times style.
you don't have to change your hair or wear makeup or paint your toenails or wear girlie clothes to be sexy. being who you are and loving yourself is what people (men or women) will gravitate to. if you are comfortable with you, they will notice. and it sounds to me like you are.
so forget all of the ignorami who don't realize that short hair on women doesn't equal lesbianism. hell, i have shoulder-length hair, but because most of my close friends are women and i'd been single for so long, i felt that people were making the same assumption about me. those folks just need to broaden their horizons and grow up.
you. are. beautiful. god says so. (and, for what it's worth, so do i.)
Here's a question: do you think you would feel differently about all of this if you had a boyfriend? I ask because while it is possible that you would, it is also possible that the issue is deeper and more ingrained. Example: I am one of those people who fluctuate when it comes to body image. Sometimes I think I am one of the hottest woman I know when you consider everything from head to toe, brain and charm included... and in those times, I truly believe that and other times, I feel like a bloated beached whale. When I was single, I thought having a boyfriend would solify in my brain that I am, in fact, attractive. Well, I have an amazing boyfriend who does a very good job of telling me I'm hot stuff (not emphasizing it overly, but verbalizing his appreciation on a consistent basis). Guess what: I still have days where I absolutely hate myself because of a number on a scale.
I think it's just important to consider that the questions you're asking like "Aren't there any guys out ther who appreciate a girl who is low maintenence?". The answers to the questions are irrelevant until the root of the problem is discovered. Because the people at the post office will probably call you "sir" even if you have a boyfriend. If that bothers you now, dear lady, then it will probably bother you then, too.
precisely why i don't own a scale!
val - i am SO TRYING to shed this light in the midwest. it's slow going. thanks.
amo - "being who you are and loving yourself is what people (men or women) will gravitate to. if you are comfortable with you, they will notice." see, that's what i really believe. THE THING IS: no male [NONE, ZIP, ZILCH] has noticed in twenty-six years, so what am i supposed to make of that? some days it's just harder to believe than others. some days it's damn near impossible. again, all that being said... thanks.
jessi - hell, i feel differently about this by the hour. i don't know how i would feel about it if i had a boyfriend. and i don't by any means see having a boyfriend as a panacea or anything. i'm not desperate, and i rather enjoy being single for the most part. and yes, the people at the post office will still bother me, but i don't think it's irrational to be bothered by that. seriously, that's just not okay... but i think it's largely a generational thing. a large part of these doubts, this entry, my outlook, the "root of my problem" is that NOT. EVER. IN. MY. ENTIRE. LIFE. has any male shown interest in me. EVER. no cute notes. no dates. no kisses. no hand holding. ever. ever. and it is utterly impossible to describe how this feels as a twenty-six-year-old unless you have been in this situation. in which case, description is not needed since you'd already know. there is no parallel. at any rate... thanks.
i don't do theories. which is why i'm finding it so hard to believe my own.
Mdog, I would have asked you out if I was not married, was 10 years younger, and we were not in our current "relationship" (meaning my work). You are a great person. I chime in with Geoff. And looks, beauty, whatever you want to call it really is subjective. There are guys who will not find you attractive. Okay. But there are guys who will find you attractive. Really. (And for the record...my personal preference is long, dark hair-- but I have dated two women in the past who had short hair...and one had blond spikey hair just like yours!)
Now, the question of why these guys don't ask you out... well... that is good to reflect on. Glad you are doing it. Just don't become bitter as you do it!
I don't know your past... how you have related to guys in the past... but I've never really noticed how you interact with guys. Maybe now I will watch more carefully! It might be an interesting thing to find out if you are sending off any signals that would put someone off.
Where I agree that you can't change (and shouldn't want to change) who you are... there are things that we all do that might send signals. Body language, shyness, dress and yes, even hair! But if someone is put off by your dress, hair, etc... than you can either change it... or if you like it and it's a part of who you are... accept that you don't want a guy who would be put off by that!
I know several single people right now that I'm pretty close with. All of them (most of them?) struggle with these issues in some form or another. I'm not sure this is as much about looks as it is about confidence, self perception and opportunity.
So... I am really glad we are becoming friends. My wife and I both think you are great. I'm a lousy cupid so I won't set you up.. but I would like to watch "I love the 80's 3D" with you sometime.
but hell, i'm attracted to a hott body so why wouldn't a guy be attracted or not attracted to me based on the relative shape of my body .. so i had to let go of the fact that i was holding on to some kind of obstinence that it was about a guy changing, not me..
i reckon that fishermen use shiny lures to get their fishies attention.. why not me??
i'm concluding that i'm either 1) impatient, 2) stubborn, or 3) delusional.
jared - sorry if my flippant remark offended you. i suppose that i too have some "bitter reflections" as paul put it. i have been disregarded by men because of the outside package, even though i have striven to be a proverbs 31 kind of gal in my person. but what i have realized is that i need to work on my outside as well, not just my inside, because people are affected by what they see visually. we are a people made by God, in the image of God, who is perfect, magnificent, and... beautiful. we are "programmed" to react to beauty, true beauty which is also on the outside.
it reminds me of a year ago when i got a new hairstyle. now, i thought the one i had before was good, but i let my hairdresser go for it, and she gave me a more modern "do". i was amazed at how many of my students, coworkers, and even parents approached me and thought it looked great. were they being superficial? i don't think so. they were reacting to something that brought out more beauty in me.
i understand what you mean by "lure" and it really shouldn't have been used flippantly. i do, however, believe that men respond visually, and if a single female wants to attract a mate, she needs to do things that are attractive.
Wow, mdog, your honest post really evoke quite a conversation. Thanks for being vulnerable.
jessi - thanks for sharing that. i'm just waiting for my own proof. ;) for the record, i definitely pay attention to my physical self... just in a low-maintenance kinda way, is all.
also: whatever ministry person told you that, needs to be taken out into the street and shot.
m-dog - as I happened to scan your post today about the old folks at the post office I was reminded of a similar experience. At the age of 15, in my short hair days I had a few old farmers approach my mom and me and ask "Is this your son?" argh. Of course we were all still into the grunge thing so that wasn't very feminine. But still.
I'm making it my mission to stay up with the times even when I am old.
I am not buying genetics, most people wouldn't be pretty without following what is culturally considered attractive.
I think when we are young we value pretty and handsome much more than beauty but as we mature we focus more on beauty and much more on internal beauty. You are beautiful on the inside and out but if you choose to go against what the culture has determined to be pretty it just takes men a little longer to wake up and find you.
P.S. I love your hair