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posted this as a comment on jared's blog last month. a little ctrl+v magic and it's been hanging out as an unpublished placeholder entry here at unleashed ever since. finally posting it now because i'm bored with my own entries -- it's like opening the fridge every five minutes, expecting that something might have materialized out of thin air -- and i'm exhausted and sleepy and can't muster up anything original right now.


a couple of years ago i was in a place where i had to choose to walk away from everything and everyone i had poured my life into for two years. it was an agonizing and earth crumbling decision for me. aside from one single solitary friend, i was utterly alone in this town.

in an amazing display of ambivalence, i both blamed and trusted God, alternately and intensely. my faith was shaken. i was devastated that things had turned out this way. but for all my prayers and anger and confusion and despair... at the end of the day, i knew that somehow, some way, God would get me through. [...] the thought of turning away was never an option. it was my dark night of the soul... something i would not wish upon my worst enemy. but both because of and in spite of it all, my faith deepened in a way i cannot explain. it had nothing to do with reading, studying, learning, etc., because God knows i wasn't doing much of that. i may not know where all the minor prophets are and i may not have verses memorized and i may not know exegesis from a hole in the ground: but i know what it is like to have absolutely nothing to fall back on but faith. and the knowledge that i have done that, and survived, will affect my soul until i am removed from this life.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms


Posted on Sunday, November 13, 2005 at 09:47PM by Registered Commentermdog | Comments2 Comments

Reader Comments (2)

in an amazing display of ambivalence, i both blamed and trusted God, alternately and intensely. my faith was shaken.

I lovee that line.
Nov 14, 2005 at 04:07PM | Unregistered Commenterrachel
It continues to amaze me how God takes broken people and broken places and brings amazing things out of them. Unlike us, he doesn't usually pick the biggest, best or strongest for his team. I think if God were a team captain on the playground, it would be the big kid that scores all the goals that would be picked last. I often ask myself why God chooses to do anything with me. I still don't really know, but he does, and that is good enough for me.
Nov 16, 2005 at 11:38AM | Unregistered Commenterjared

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