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do you ever have days where it seems like you're just sort of floating along, present but unnoticed, solid but invisible, feeling a little out of sorts with the world at large?
yeah, me neither.
small example: i wore my glasses today. i mean, i wear my glasses every day, at some point; otherwise i would stumble into furniture and walls just trying to make my way to the kitchen for breakfast. [for you contact lens wearers, i'm a -6.00]. but today i wore them, like, out. i can't remember the last time i did this. since i usually wear contacts, most people don't even know i need them. it's not that i don't like my glasses [i actually like them quite a bit]. it's just a pain because then i can't wear sunglasses while driving; or if it's raining, i'm forever wiping them off; or if it's hot, they're continually sliding down my nose. at any rate, it's a rare occasion, and i guess i just felt like something different today. too bad nobody noticed. or at least said anything. maybe they're actually hideous and no one wanted to mention them. who knows.
some days i question whether God is paying attention to me. is he even watching? listening? why isn't he answering? some days i want to shake my fist at the sky, demanding response. some days i actually do. and then some days, apathy overtakes any passion, any motivation, any indignance that might propel me into motion: why bother? no one is noticing, anyway. and then i remember things like this and reread them and think, man, have i still got a long way to go. one of these days i'll get the hang of this, i suppose. until then, i guess i'll stumble along in grace.
mdog
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Reader Comments (11)
I have seen you in glasses... I guess maybe I didn't "notice"... as to me it didn't seem that strange. (Actually, I did notice... but again, it didn't seem different to me.) But I think that is more of a woman thing than a guy thing... in that most guys don't notice slight shifts (wearing glasses).
I did notice that you were letting your hair grow out for a while... but do you say something? It wasn't a statement of improvement, just change. I notice when you dress up and sometimes have commented on that. But the guy/girl thing (let alone the pastor/parishioner thing!) keeps most people from making comments about looks for fear that they are not perceived right. (Although, I think you and I have gotten over that.)
Your last paragraph is profound and painful. I have no easy answers other than to say that Laura and I are so privileged to call you our friend... and we want to be a part of your life that "notices" you. (Can God notice you through others?)
"stumbling along in grace" ... wow. What an image. What truth.
rachel - if only He was so tangible... it would be easier for occasional thomases like me...
Okay, not to be too harsh... but I sense you are equating God's faithfulness to one area of your life. Do I mis-read?
i know that God is faithful. and i think you know that i know that. it's simply impossible to look back upon my life and not see his hand all over it. this post is not meant to be theology... it's just where i am right now. which is currently a place of wondering and frustration.