i'm tempted to say that my relatively short trip to colorado was life-changing. but of course, only time will tell.

i'm not entirely sure what i expected for the time before, during, and after tiffany's wedding. all i know is that i got far more than i bargained for. and, really, nothing earth-shattering occurred... just lots of observation and conversation. but then, i suppose that's where lasting change usually happens.

many events and conversations of the week are entirely unbloggable; but i will share my overall personal theme of this journey: affection [both physical and verbal]. this is where i would ordinarily insert the obligatory dictionary definition of the word, but i can't seem to find one that's suitable. i suppose this means i'm using the wrong word, but it's the only one that makes sense in my mind. anyway, here are the american heritage college dictionary definitions:

1. a tender feeling toward another; fondness
2. feeling or emotion. often used in the plural
3. a disposition to feel, do, or say; a propensity

i am finding that the older i get, the more affectionate i am [or, perhaps more accurately, want to be]. i'm a bit of a chameleon in this area: when i am around people who are more demonstrative, i feel free to do likewise; and when i am around people who are more reserved, i reflect that as well. whether this is simply respect or a character flaw, i haven't yet figured out.

while in colorado, i was surrounded by tiff's family and friends [as well as friends known from ohio], who are so out there with the affection it's nearly impossible not to reciprocate. i was taken by the natural warmth and openness around me, and felt comfortable to be myself... even though if you took all of the time i had ever spent with them and smushed it all together, it would equal about two or three weeks for each person [and that's probably being generous].

as paul was reading through a stack of therapy game cards, we came upon this one: "how much does your face give away your emotions?" i was rated by the three people in the room at a 3 [on a scale of 1 to 10]. which is nice for poker. but later, i commented on how i felt more comfortable being affectionate over the course of the week and was basically informed that the evidence of that was slim to none... so, apparently i don't physically or verbally give away my emotions, either. which is unfortunate.

at some point i began reflecting on these friends in colorado, as compared to my friends here at home. and overall i would say that my friends here are very reserved... almost ridiculously so. and to be honest, when tiff moved to colorado, one of my first thoughts was, "who will i be able to run to for a big bear hug? with no reservation? and no explanation?" and maybe that's a strange thing to think. but luckily, i do indeed have good friends that are more than happy to return my affection, so my worries were unwarranted.

so, as much as you can consider this a conscious choice, i have decided to run with this. i don't want to make people uncomfortable, but i do want to feel like i can express my affection. i don't want to worry if people will freak out about being touchy-feely; i don't want to shy away from being demonstrative; and i certainly don't want people thinking i'm not comfortable with affection, when actually it's one of the very things i crave.

i want to love well. and for me, i think all this affection business is a large part of that.

love and hugs,
maria