i was in bed. couldn't sleep. so now i'm [stupidly] blogging, stream of consciousness style. all the events and extrapolations swirling through my mind were more conducive to emotional release than to slumber, apparently. living in a small college town can really mess with your priorities. everyone and their brother has a graduate degree, and if you don't have one, then you're constantly being asked if you've thought about getting yours? yeah i think about it every freaking time someone ASKS me and that's about it. i don't want one, i don't really care, and i have to keep reminding myself that no, it is not an aberration for someone to have a bachelor's degree, and most populated areas do not actually have ninety-eight ph.d.s per square mile. here's the thing: i just want to work. i don't really need what i do for a living to be a world-changing thing, which is good because really? there's never going to be anything groundbreaking happening in the world of accounting. maybe that's lazy, but i think it's just realistic. i love when i tell people i'm an accountant and they're all, nooooo... you don't SEEM like an accountant! i take it as a compliment. because obviously, if you know me, you know i'm TOTALLY like an accountant. but i guess i'm not immediately boring, it seems. i know full well that i don't find my identity in accountancy. i want to do a good job, but that's about it. because for me, work is not life. life is people. and i fully admit that about twice a week i say to myself, or maybe the inside of my car, I HATE PEOPLE, but that's only when they're driving down west union at twelve miles an hour. but it is the people part of my life that i want to be a world-changing thing. i don't give a damn about what i do from eight-to-five in the big scheme of things; moreover, i LIKE not giving a damn about what i do from eight-to-five in the big scheme of things. i can't care about EVERYTHING, you know. but... who did i have lunch with today? who calls me and reads to me from funny books to cheer me up? who can i call or chat with for advice or encouragement? these are the important things. these are the things that keep me alive. these are the things that change the world. i'm not a high-powered executive, my story isn't going to be read in forbes or fortune or even people magazine, my accounting prowess is not going to be looked upon with awe. i don't care about those things. do i have people i can call up at three in the morning? do i have people that will give me hugs if i need them? do i have people i can share my life with? do i have people that support me? encourage me? walk with me? this is how i want to be successful. and while i may want to quit my job every day for weeks at a time, i find comfort in knowing i have people who are willing to sit and listen to me complain about how i want to quit my job every day for weeks at a time. i may be overwhelmed with sheer inanity and lack of organizational structure and absence of validation at work, but i am overwhelmed with the people around me who care about me and love me and appreciate me and who are willing to actually tell me and remind me of these things. because i need to be told these things. perhaps want is a better word, but sometimes the want is so great that it does become a need. we are broken, vulnerable people and we need people around us who will help us heal and who will hold our hearts gently in their hands. this is where my life's focus rests. not with work, but with people. i am reminded today that i am surrounded by good people. this is my success.

okay, first of all: i am not OVERHEAD. just because i don't "do" anything to bring money into the organization does not mean you don't NEED me. none of you HAVE to be part of this organization, so if you want to open your own private practices and take care of your own financials, that's fine by me. but until then, I DO WORK FOR YOU and just because you don't SEE it on a daily basis, doesn't mean it's not HAPPENING. i can continue using this old gateway computer if you want, but you're too stupid to see how INEFFICIENT this is. spending a few hundred dollars on a new computer is not outrageous, especially if it's going to be split thirty ways and may i remind you that YOU ARE DOCTORS and i see your financials and this is absolutely ridiculous.

 

second of all: one shouldn't have to pull teeth to get a "raise" that i am sure will only equate to a cost of living increase. again, I AM NOT OVERHEAD. THERE IS SHIT I DO FOR YOU THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

 

do i want a raise or a new computer? i think you're only kidding with that question but i can't be sure. the answer is do you want an employee that feels valued or do you want someone that is pissed off and looking at the help wanted ads all the damn time?

 

i am ready for my f'ing vacation. 

i have lost a substantial portion of skin from my knuckles, and gained two heating/cooling fan speeds. all of these things are in my car.

 

i've lived with only having the two highest speeds for several months now. but with kt and i embarking on a roadtrip to BOSTON [hi rachel!] at the end of next week, i thought it would be nice to hear each other over the blowing fans, and also to not require lens rewetting drops every ten minutes or so. after an oil change, a tire rotation -- and a $97.68 estimate on fixing the problem -- i decided to take matters into my own hands. behold: the magic of the internet.

 

after minimal research, i discovered that i in fact did not need a new reostat, but a new blower motor resistor. i found a forum thread detailing the fairly simple repair, with many caveats regarding the last screw in the process being a real bitch to remove. with this information and a quick trip to autozone [resistor] and the hardware store [7/32 socket], i was ready.

 

do you have any idea how hard it is to get leverage with a socket wrench as your body is completely wedged underneath the dash? ask me, i'll tell you sometime. i managed to get the blower motor disconnected and out of the way, and then it was on to the actual resistor. about three inches wide by four inches long and held in place by two screws, this thing was the bane of my existence for at least an hour. i still can't figure out how they got the damn thing on in the first place, because just as my friendly faceless internet friends had said, it was a real bitch to remove. i could see it, and i could get the socket on, but there was no way i could get the thing to rotate. i can't even begin to tell you all of the things i was yelling. i went back inside to cool off and browse the forum again. [okay, i'll be honest: i did this at least five or six times]. finally [finally!!] i found my solution. whoever it was that suggested using a hex wrench shoved into the socket, instead of the socket wrench itself? i am willing to have that man's babies. it was off within five minutes, and after ten more minutes of putting humpty dumpty back together again, it was time for the moment of truth.

 

i climbed into the driver's seat, let out a deep breath, and started the car. i turned the fan to low. my face fell. crap, i thought. it's not working. i just wasted an hour and a half. but wait -- wait. is that it? a faint sound of rushing air? i turned the fan to medium low; the noise became louder. i had become so used to the WHOOOOOSH of the higher fan speeds, i had forgotten that i could have airflow and still actually be able to hear myself think. it was working! my fans, behold, they were working! i believe at this point i honestly did a WOOHOO!! and then started playing with the fan controls like a little kid.

 

my arms hurt like hell and my fingers are tired and sore. BUT i saved $66.21 and am feeling a little empowered, and not so scared of minor car repairs.

 

tomorrow: removing the interior door panel and possibly fixing my passenger side door lock. i'm on a roll.

 

 

update: door panel was removed and subsequently replaced. unfortunately, all of the suspected problem points were completely unreachable for me. booooooo.

 

it's kinda fun taking stuff apart, though.  :) 

it is ridiculously beautiful outside.

this site has got me rolling. and the bottom picture on this post is just wonderful. i want to see what all the little notes say.

 

update: i like this one too. "don't warm-up anything"

i've had the same rent price for 5+ years and a month-to-month rental agreement since month thirteen. one of my landlords showed up on saturday at 9am[!], letting me know that due to the other landlord's personal health problems, they really have to sell their rental buildings. which is understandable, and makes me sad because they are really good landlords, and good people. he continued, saying that in order to make the buildings marketable, they need to raise everyone's rent to a certain price. granted, the price quoted is the same price i saw in the paper when my new neighbors moved in a few months ago. but it's still a sudden eighty dollar jump for me, with little warning. all of my reasons for staying [good landlords, rolling lease, low rent] may evaporate in a few weeks.

 

acknowledging the inconvenience and surprise of this, he stated that everyone under a month-to-month agreement that signs the new one year lease will have july's rent waived. i don't exactly want to be locked in here for a year, but my choices are limited given this small time frame. and the free month in rent is tempting, as that would offset over five months' worth of the rent increase. i've been scanning the real estate ads in the paper every week for several months, but i am not ready to be buying a house, and most certainly not within the month or two. even though i admit to driving around my town this afternoon, scoping out houses. and even touring one right around the corner. and being tempted.

 

so unless someone hands me the title to a house out of the clear blue sky, it looks like i'll likely be at my current address for another year, saving up for a down payment.

i've suddenly gotten several emails about this in the past few days, so i thought i should make a general announcement: i am actively uninterested in having a facebook account [or a myspace account, for that matter]. so don't be offended if i don't show up as your "friend". because it won't happen.

 

also, i will be extremely angry if i start getting any direct or third party emails as a result of facebook now presumably having my email address.

 

as a general rule, don't EVER give my email address, either directly or indirectly, to any person or organization that may possibly use it for their own email harvesting uses. i keep a tight rein on my email accounts, and get cranky when that security is breached. i haven't had any spam at my new email address [five months!] and i'd like to believe it's more than just luck.

 

public service announcement ended. 

time-wasting errands, horizontal rain, absentee signatories, people not following directions, people that DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, no parking spots, horrible timing = general hatred. i want to go home.