Entries from October 3, 2004 - October 9, 2004
change
i've been noticing during the past couple of weeks that i just don't care anymore.
don't worry; it's a good thing.
you know how in high school every little thing could be an ordeal in
the making? oh no, a zit... i have clown feet... she's wearing the
same shirt as me... my hair is crap... what will people think...? and
so on and so forth. i mean, overall, high school was a pretty fun time
for me, but man; now that i'm out i'd never want to go back. who needs
that kind of daily pressure?
i realized the other day that many of the items on my old
things-to-worry-about list have looong since been chucked. bad hair
day? who cares! size eleven shoes? so what! what if i'm a dork? not a problem!
in a room of peers i am only moderately acquainted with, i now find myself
at ease, cracking jokes that may or may not be funny but finding myself
not caring. at the office where most co-workers are old enough to be my parents, i
find myself at ease as well, keeping things light with comments that
unfortunately are often lost on the baby boomers. which is really a shame,
because they're always a hoot.
i am surprised on both counts. whether self-perception or reality,
i've always seen myself as socially awkward and fairly shy
[especially with people i don't know well]. while i still think that's
true, i'm becoming aware that it seems less and less true as time goes on.
yay for me. score one for the change-can-be-good category.
mdog
5 Comments
bloglift
anyone care to opine on the new look?
ambivalence
Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna: It means I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick: Am I sane... or, am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear - for some.
Susanna: Well, then - it's the wrong word.
Dr. Wick: No. I think it's perfect.
from dictionary.com:
am·biv·a·lence n.
1. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.
2. Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow
3. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings toward a person, an object, or an idea.
4. Simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
5. Mixed feelings or emotions
ambivalence. like susanna, i always thought the word described a lack of feeling; instead, it's the polar opposite. this is the word that sums up my emotionally irrational entry from july, and to some extent my entry about the human condition a few weeks ago. there is something strangely comforting in that; in knowing that there are four simple syllables that can describe one's momentary craziness. because, of course, this implies that the craziness is not craziness after all. it tells me that others feel this way at times. it tells me that it might even be normal. it tells me that i am not alone.
quite frankly, i could do without dealing with ambivalence for the rest of my days and be a pretty happy camper, thankyouverymuch. unfortunately it seems to think that i enjoy its company, and it shows up uninvited and in various forms at the strangest times. why must you taunt me so?
