my heart is heavy tonight. these sorts of thoughts, along with some other additional stuff, have been invading my consciousness all day. [as for why: don't ask.] if anyone feels like reminding me that i really am an awesome and incredible person, and that you love me and think i'm amazing, i could really use it today. seriously.

as girls go, i'm not very girly. i don't do anything much with my hair. i don't color it, i don't prod it, i don't floof around with it. wash, gel, muss, done. i don't wear makeup. i don't even know the process. foundation? blush? gimme some face wash and point me to the door. i don't wear fancy jewelry. i barely own any at all, fancy or no. i don't remember the last time i bought clothing not on sale, much less "fine". i try not to dress in a way that would end up with me starring on what not to wear; but extravagant, i am not.

in our culture today, everything i listed above is counterintuitive if you're even vaguely in the market for a husband. i'm definitely on the vague end of the spectrum; yet there are times when all of my surroundings and interactions magnify that vagueness without my realization or permission. in these moments, the inevitable question arises: if i were doing these things, would i already have someone to wake up to every morning?

on the other hand, i know plenty of people already doing everything i listed above -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- and they're no farther on the path to marriage than i am. you'd think this should tell me, and all of us, something. but more often than not, we ignore the obvious, and we get wrapped up in outward appearances. but if i just do this... and if i just wear these.... or if i just looked like that.....

we believe the lies. we believe the lies that it's the packaging, the packaging, the packaging! which is the most important focus. and we fail to remember the truth that it is the product... the inner self... which we should be focused on renewing. it's the ultimate marketing scheme, playing on the fears and the faults and the failings of the human condition, put on by none other than the ruler of the kingdom of the air. and from the looks of things, he's doing a damn good job.

purity and reverence... gentle and quiet spirit... strength and dignity... wisdom and faithfulness.

Lord, help me to grow into these characteristics. and help me in continuing to laugh at the days to come.

DEAR GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE.