i'm tempted to say that my relatively short trip to colorado was life-changing. but of course, only time will tell.

i'm not entirely sure what i expected for the time before, during, and after tiffany's wedding. all i know is that i got far more than i bargained for. and, really, nothing earth-shattering occurred... just lots of observation and conversation. but then, i suppose that's where lasting change usually happens.

many events and conversations of the week are entirely unbloggable; but i will share my overall personal theme of this journey: affection [both physical and verbal]. this is where i would ordinarily insert the obligatory dictionary definition of the word, but i can't seem to find one that's suitable. i suppose this means i'm using the wrong word, but it's the only one that makes sense in my mind. anyway, here are the american heritage college dictionary definitions:

1. a tender feeling toward another; fondness
2. feeling or emotion. often used in the plural
3. a disposition to feel, do, or say; a propensity

i am finding that the older i get, the more affectionate i am [or, perhaps more accurately, want to be]. i'm a bit of a chameleon in this area: when i am around people who are more demonstrative, i feel free to do likewise; and when i am around people who are more reserved, i reflect that as well. whether this is simply respect or a character flaw, i haven't yet figured out.

while in colorado, i was surrounded by tiff's family and friends [as well as friends known from ohio], who are so out there with the affection it's nearly impossible not to reciprocate. i was taken by the natural warmth and openness around me, and felt comfortable to be myself... even though if you took all of the time i had ever spent with them and smushed it all together, it would equal about two or three weeks for each person [and that's probably being generous].

as paul was reading through a stack of therapy game cards, we came upon this one: "how much does your face give away your emotions?" i was rated by the three people in the room at a 3 [on a scale of 1 to 10]. which is nice for poker. but later, i commented on how i felt more comfortable being affectionate over the course of the week and was basically informed that the evidence of that was slim to none... so, apparently i don't physically or verbally give away my emotions, either. which is unfortunate.

at some point i began reflecting on these friends in colorado, as compared to my friends here at home. and overall i would say that my friends here are very reserved... almost ridiculously so. and to be honest, when tiff moved to colorado, one of my first thoughts was, "who will i be able to run to for a big bear hug? with no reservation? and no explanation?" and maybe that's a strange thing to think. but luckily, i do indeed have good friends that are more than happy to return my affection, so my worries were unwarranted.

so, as much as you can consider this a conscious choice, i have decided to run with this. i don't want to make people uncomfortable, but i do want to feel like i can express my affection. i don't want to worry if people will freak out about being touchy-feely; i don't want to shy away from being demonstrative; and i certainly don't want people thinking i'm not comfortable with affection, when actually it's one of the very things i crave.

i want to love well. and for me, i think all this affection business is a large part of that.

love and hugs,
maria

i think my head is going to explode.

in other news, i just heard this blast from the past on the way back from lunch. it's so awesome that it became bad and is now awesome again. if you know the song, you can thank me later for getting it stuck in your head.


audio adrenaline - big house

i don't know where you lay your head, or where you call your home
i don't know where you eat your meals, or where you talk on the phone
i don't know if you've got a cook, a butler, or a maid
i don't know if you've got a yard with a hammock in the shade

i don't know if you've got some shelter, say some place to hide
i don't know if you live with friends in whom you can confide
i don't know if you've got a family, say a mom or dad
i don't know if you love at all, but i bet you wish you had

CHORUS:
come and go with me to my father's house
come and go with me to my father's house
it's a big, big house with lots and lots of room
a big, big table with lots and lots of food
a big, big yard where we can play football
a big, big house, it's my father's house

all i know is a big, big house with rooms for everyone
all i know is lots of land where we can play and run
all i know is you need love, and i've got a family
all i know is you're all alone, so why not come with me

come and go with me to my father's house...

but so little i can actually write. what happens in denver, stays in denver...

the last several days have brought about situations and conversations i could never have anticipated in a million years. good times. good people. much to process.

so tiffany is married and all is well. it's been quite a trip... and it's definitely my bedtime, no matter what time zone i'm in.