last week, i had run out of hairspray. [have you seen my hair? yeah, i use hairspray.] i resorted to using the little travel size hairspray bottle i usually take on trips, waiting it out until i needed to make a walmart run. i finally made it there on friday. standing in Ye Olde Aisle of Hair Product, i found that my regular pantene hairspray had been updated with a "NEW Fragrance!" i'm not big on change [note: see previous post], heck i'm not really big on fragrance. it's hairspray. this hairspray has never had a special fragrance for as long as i have used it. can't it just smell like hairspray? but i figured, hey, whatever. can't be that bad. grab it and go.

saturday is the first and last day this product touches my hair EVER. yes, it has a new fragrance and THAT FRAGRANCE IS CALLED: VILE. i want my old fragrance back: the one called NORMAL HAIRSPRAY SMELL YOU MORONS. the travel size hairspray bottle came back out. today after work VILE was returned. UNSCENTED was purchased. this is a lie; i have not yet put my finger upon it, but the scent is definitely not "un". more like... some sort of sterilized glue or adhesive. perhaps surprisingly, given this far from positive description, this is highly preferable to VILE.

after this walmart run came a haircut. given the length of my hair, a shower is immediately in order following a haircut because the aftermath results in several hundred thousand quarter-inch freshly cut hair bits EVERYWHERE: face, neck, inner ear canal, pancreas. after watching ken jennings NOT win jeopardy's ultimate tournament of champions [!], i was getting itchy and definitely needed that shower. i realized that i had run out of my regular shampoo that morning, and i grabbed the next bottle of pantene 2 in 1 classic clean from the closet. and suddenly noticed that my shampoo -- which, like my hairspray, has never had a special fragrance for as long as i have used it -- now has "NEW Amino Proteins!" in it. okay, well, amino proteins. those don't sound smelly, do they? OH MY GOD. by the time it hit me, it was too late. the damage had been done. olfactory carnage in full effect. can you guess what this new shampoo smelled like? CAN YOU GUESS?? if your answer is VILE, HORRIFYINGLY VILE you are correct and most likely laughing at my misfortune and overreaction. i am left wondering: does the new hairspray have new-yet-unadvertised amino proteins as well? why does the new shampoo have a new-yet-unadvertised fragrance? and WHAT THE HELL ARE AMINO PROTEINS AND WHY DO I WANT THEM IN MY HAIR?

my big draw on these two particular products -- for about ten years, i might add -- has been twofold. one: they are simply very good products. two: they smelled CLEAN. nothing fancy; nothing strong. just CLEAN. if i want a floofy fragrance, i will buy something advertised as such. raspberry shower gel? sure. peach handsoap? no problem. at least with those i know what i'm buying, not some unfathomable abomination of unexplainable "fragrance".

someone in proctor & gamble's research and development needs to be fired. in less than a week, my previously highly satisfying hair products vanished from the universe, and have subsequently been updated with crap.

BRING BACK MY ORIGINAL FORMULAS.