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bathroom humor

i don't like office bathrooms. even my preferred option -- the all-inclusive, one-person only, "studio bathroom" -- is kind of annoying since there is the potential for a queue forming, and then whether or not you created any kind of stink in there, all eyes are on you upon exiting. but these are only minor issues. the multiple-stall restroom is far more displeasing.

social dynamics come into play when there are two or more stalls. it's not something i enjoy. i do not want to talk to you, my co-worker, while either of us are in the potty. i really just don't. and while conversing during hand washing is completely acceptable, if i don't have anything to talk to you about, we can either wash silently in front of the giant mirror [slightly awkward], or we can do the office small talk thing [slightly awkward AND painful]. and it's not like you want to start a long conversation that requires hanging out in the bathroom any longer than necessary.

and then, sometimes, there are games. you know what i'm talking about. the most popular seems to be the Don't Leave The Stall Until Everyone Has Exited The Bathroom game. optional DLTSUEHETB add-ons include Don't Make Any Noise and Don't Shit, Either. basically the worst games ever and, again: awkward.

and then there are the actual people. here are the three kinds of people who have been bothering me lately. the first is someone who apparently has similar system requirements and processing as me, because almost every time i am in the restroom SHE IS THERE TOO AND IT IS FREAKING ME OUT A LITTLE. plus, she destroys the airspace. gross. the second is a woman who seems to be some sort of olympic restroom qualifier, because i have never known anyone to get in and out of the bathroom so quickly. i think she starts unzipping/unbuttoning/undressing in the hallway or something, because she has walked in, gotten in and out of the stall, washed, and walked out of the restroom, and meanwhile i've been there the whole time and am just reaching for the toilet paper. it actually sort of makes me feel inadequate, like, am i doing something wrong? why am i so slow here? the third woman is the opposite of the second. very leisurely. it's like niagara falls compared to a gardening can. i've never been in there long enough to experience the entire routine, but she is clearly in no hurry. i don't think efficiency is really a goal to strive for in this situation, but seriously? you have, do, and will do this every day, multiple times a day, don't you think you should be moving along a little faster by now?

and don't even get me started on un-dry toilet seats... 

Posted on Wednesday, September 19, 2007 at 10:30PM by Registered Commentermdog | Comments8 Comments

Reader Comments (8)

okay, this is just more than i wanted to know this morning. :0

Sep 20, 2007 at 08:09AM | Unregistered Commenterpaul

brilliant. as you know, I always blame older chinese women for splatter seats.

Sep 20, 2007 at 08:12AM | Unregistered Commenterrachel

this is hands down the funniest thing i will read all day.

Sep 20, 2007 at 08:54AM | Unregistered Commentergwyneth

So true... Ah, those were the days.

Sep 20, 2007 at 09:15AM | Unregistered CommenterSarah

update: on the olympic pee-er. twenty seconds from entry to stall to flush. twenty more seconds from flush to sink to exit.

less than one minute in the bathroom. wow.

Sep 20, 2007 at 01:16PM | Registered Commentermdog

that you timed her is absolutely amazing.

Sep 20, 2007 at 08:27PM | Unregistered Commenterpaul

well, i mean... i was already in there... and i had a watch! investigative blogging research, i say.

Sep 20, 2007 at 11:03PM | Registered Commentermdog

brilliant. you have made my day with this post. i dislike public restrooms as well for all those reasons. don't forget the non-handwashers.. that's just gross.

Sep 29, 2007 at 03:53PM | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

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