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50 fun things

okay, you're all going to think i'm nuts, but this keeps coming up every few years and i am still amazed by it. as noted on lance's blog, there is a list that has been circulating on the internet called "50 Fun Things To Do At Kmart". sometimes it changes to walmart, or the number changes [i saw one labeled "69 Fun Things... Full Version!"... wtf], and more often than not the actual entries have been bastardized. but this is a list i created in high school, sometime during 1996 or 1997.
no, i'm not kidding. and no, i'm not going to start claiming i invented the internet, either.
i've heard portions read on northwest ohio radio stations... at a campus crusade meeting... read it online... and of course have received it in my own inbox multiple times, multiple versions. and it's always this weird mix of pride and awe and defensiveness and ego and joy. and i don't have any proof, of course, as it was sent from a long defunct high school email address to a few friends with the same long defunct high school email addresses. an old sheet of lined notebook paper with the handwritten list is probably stashed somewhere in between music theory notes and a report on 1984. if you know me, you know this list sounds like me. and while it would be neat to let the whole world know the origins of this list... it's still pretty gratifying to see it traveling the internet tubes, even after ten years or so. it would appear that my humor is timeless.
and so, without further adieu:

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
i'm pretty sure my original had something like, "bonus points if you do all 50 in the same visit." i'm seriously going to see if i still have this sheet at home.
this is so weird.

also, a note to sjl: i'm sure you remember this list, and also, #47?  :) 
Posted on Thursday, September 20, 2007 at 12:41AM by Registered Commentermdog | Comments13 Comments

Reader Comments (13)

See? We would've been friends in high school. Too late now, though....

Sep 20, 2007 at 02:19PM | Unregistered CommenterSarah

You kill me. I'd hang out with you in Wal-Mart anytime.

Sep 20, 2007 at 07:40PM | Unregistered CommenterTB

You are kidding me! I have gotten that list on email too! You wrote that! How cool.

Can I have your autograph?

Sep 20, 2007 at 08:23PM | Unregistered Commenterpaul

typewriters! How old are you?

Don't let Matt B see this, he'll get ideas for the isync scavenger hunt!

Sep 21, 2007 at 09:24AM | Unregistered CommenterBeth

OMG! Very funny M!Why am I not surprised to find that you are the instigator of all those emails of the list I received over the years!Even when I didn't know you yet, you were filling my inbox with stuff.

By the way, the original list is much funnier than most of the "revised"lists I have ever read.

Can I have your autograph on the shnerple that new stock boy just sold me last week?

Sep 21, 2007 at 11:16AM | Unregistered CommenterJim

typewriters? i will admit i am old enough to have learned touch-typing on a word processor. but the original list was handwritten. :)

jim, i have always been ahead of my time.

Sep 21, 2007 at 11:43AM | Registered Commentermdog

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Sep 21, 2007 at 01:53PM | Unregistered CommenterBeth

LOL. forgot about that one. but yes, at that time i totally remember word processors sitting out on shelves and people typing random things on them! not the real click click zing! typewriters... but "typewriters" sounds cooler than "word processors" so i went with that. :)

Sep 21, 2007 at 02:06PM | Registered Commentermdog

Man, I totally took typing class on an old typewriter. That correction tape stuff was a pain. Thank goodness for backspace.

Sep 23, 2007 at 10:04PM | Unregistered Commenterkt

wait... are you claiming that this list is your work?

Sep 24, 2007 at 07:51AM | Unregistered Commenterrachel

yes. this list is absolutely my work.

Sep 24, 2007 at 08:27AM | Registered Commentermdog

Wahoo for Calvin Ball, though to be fair that should always be number one.

Sep 24, 2007 at 04:07PM | Unregistered Commentervelk

ok.. why do I vaguely remember you holding rights to this email? maybe you said before you wrote it? it's hilarious. and i tried the throwing random things over the aisle's once. so fun.

Sep 29, 2007 at 03:45PM | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

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