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cover letter fantasy

Dear Impersonal Online Employment Application Website:

Your organization’s recent accounting position recently caught my attention. But let’s be honest, so does any financially related job opening located up to a twenty minute drive from my current residence, so, really. Don’t get too excited. Upon examining this position, I believe that I am clearly the most experienced, qualified, kick-ass candidate for this opening.

My work experiences and education show that I know what I am doing and that I can keep a steady job. I’m not really sure what else you want to know. Shall I repeat the listed job description by describing how well I have performed all of those tasks at my previous positions? Or perhaps you would like to know how quickly I will learn the new tasks that are ridiculously specific and that you will have to painstakingly train me to do? Maybe you want neither of these things, and are really looking for some impressive fact that will make me stand out from the rest of the job seeking crowd! I am always torn about what to write in these maddening letters. My soul cries out that we would both prefer for me to inject my witty personality into this letter. And yet, I am confident that this would only prove problematic. I am also confident that my previous job experience will provide excellent references for this position.

What you really need to know about all of the candidates for this position are characteristics unquantifiable during the interview process. It is not until after I have filled out my I-9 and W-4 that you will be able to see that I play well with others, I keep strict confidentiality, and I will not play office politics. I meet all deadlines, I do excellent work, but I will not be bullied into an excessive workload. I have an offbeat sense of humor, I will wear Skechers with my dress pants, and I believe that professional does not mean boring. Nor do I believe that boring means professional.

I would welcome the opportunity to be a part of your organization, and I look forward to meeting with you to discuss how awesome I am. Should you need any additional information, please feel free to contact me by email or by telephone. In the meantime, thank you for your consideration. I look forward to refreshing my inbox obsessively and checking my voicemail fanatically in anticipation of your reply.



Posted on Monday, January 21, 2008 at 05:25PM by Registered Commentermdog | Comments14 Comments

Reader Comments (14)

You know, if you sent me that letter, I most likely would give you an interview, if for no other reason than to meet you. In all honesty, alter the opening paragraph a bit, ditch the "kick-ass" and "discuss with you how awesome I am" line (which sounds a bit arrogant) and you know... it just might work.

I would hire you.

Jan 21, 2008 at 05:48PM | Unregistered Commenterpaul

I love it. If someone would have sent that into our office the last time I was on a search committee, you would have been top on my "get this one in here for an interview" list. Love it much.

And good luck!!! :D

Jan 21, 2008 at 06:29PM | Unregistered Commentersjw

saweet!!!! I love the "kick-ass". this would totally get an interview... You may want to take a copy to the interview (yes you will get one....) just to keep it lively.

Jan 21, 2008 at 06:36PM | Unregistered CommenterTy

Actually, I'd hire you too. Okay, I'd at least give you an interview. Then, if you were that much fun in person, I'd hire you.

Jan 21, 2008 at 08:21PM | Unregistered Commenterjared

i'd hire you hands down...i'm not sure what i'd do with an accountant...but you'd be on the payroll for sure.

Jan 22, 2008 at 12:26AM | Unregistered Commentera. horsch

Gah, I think SquareSpace ate my comment. Oh well. Basically I was just agreeing with everyone else.

Yeah, this type of letter would be problematic at a lot of places, but isn't that part of the reason you're unhappy where you are? Don't you want to find a company where something like this wouldn't be problematic, but would actually be appreciated? Maybe this could be a filter for that. If you get a response then you know they're probably a pretty cool place to work.

Since you're not in a situation where you have to find a new job right now, maybe it'd be good to try this out.

Jan 22, 2008 at 11:57AM | Unregistered CommenterIan

LOL. That's totally what we were talking about. You're never one to back down from a challenge are you?!! Like we were saying, let's cut to the chase and drop all of this schmoozing nonsense and do business.

BTW - when can you come in for an interview?

Jan 22, 2008 at 12:52PM | Unregistered CommenterJim

Please tell me you sent this, yo.

Here's my oversimplified opinion ... if your employers wouldn't appreciate it, then they wouldn't appreciate you. And hence, you don't want to work there in the first place.

It's the same way I feel about dating ... I want to be myself, not a sugar-coated plastic version of myself, from the very beginning. Sure, most people aren't used to this, but I'd rather have a series of clumsy encounters with clear expectations than a life full of forays into inappropriate intimacies.

Or bad jobs.

Jan 22, 2008 at 02:20PM | Unregistered CommenterLance

Can I use this for class? Other than a bit long - send it! It is stand out to be sure! The kind of person/company that would hire you with a letter like this - would most likely be the kick-ass, off-beat,not boring but still professional type of place you want to work!

Jan 22, 2008 at 07:18PM | Unregistered CommenterSue

send it!! send it!! send it!!

Jan 22, 2008 at 08:08PM | Unregistered Commenterrachel

Send it already. I worked for a company that produced heinous cover letters "personalized" just for them. This one would rise above all that muck.

Jan 23, 2008 at 01:41PM | Unregistered CommenterVal

I agree with all the above posts: send it!

I bet you get more responses from it than any other cover letter ever sent.

Jan 24, 2008 at 12:54PM | Unregistered CommenterMisty

You've got nothing to lose!

Jan 24, 2008 at 01:49PM | Unregistered Commenterbeth

I would hire you. But for working at a golf course you would be a bit over qualified. Keep the kick-ass comment. It shows you can express yourself.

Jan 25, 2008 at 09:51AM | Unregistered Commenterjknode

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