if only i could knit.

my favorite is the jaunty, carefree expression in the lower left frame.

under no circumstances should you leave microwaving popcorn unattended. even in your one-story, fairly open floor plan, two bedroom apartment. even for two minutes. even ever.

funny, i was just thinking this evening about the flaming fish i inadvertently created a year or two ago. which one smells worse: charred seafood, or burnt popcorn?

bleh.

so, what is it about conflict that sparks in me aggression, cowardice, and nausea [among other things, and in no particular order]?

we live in a world filled with people who are... well... people who are not us. people who are completely different than us. people who are extraordinarily similar to us. on a good day, you discover people who are just the perfect mix of different and similar; and these are the people you call friends. you have enough in common to find a certain camaraderie; and you are enough at odds to draw out more of the other that might not otherwise have been found.

and these people who are not us, both the strangers on the street and the people we are friends with... we sometimes forget one part of the equation or the other. a perfect stranger can sense agitation; on the other hand, even a close friend cannot read your mind. these people are not you. clearly, i realize this isn't exactly an existential dilemma. but sometimes i need to be reminded of the obvious.

conflict is a prime not-so-fun way to be reminded of this. what? you mean we disagree? no, no. come, now! this must be a simple misunderstanding. sometimes, it is. and then, sometimes, you find you're understanding each other with perfect clarity. what then?

if you're anything like me, you start by defending your position. you explain, you inform, you persuade. this proves fruitless, and you move on to introspection. you process, you analyze, you avoid. this proves torturous, and you move on to wondering yourself sick. this proves ridiculous, and... you simply move on.

you accept the differences of opinion, and you embrace the intricacies and the unexpectedness and the joy that come with relationship with others who are not us.

i've just spent the better part of an hour releasing my car from its ice palace.

please no more ice please no more ice... my first planned overnight guests in a really long time and now a wintry mix parfait of ice and snow. travel safe, friends.

update: no travel [due to sickness, not weather]. someday, i'll have guests...

and the buzzword for today is... twixter.

i'm not sure if i consider myself a 'twixter' -- i don't live with my parents, i finished undergrad in four years, i've had the same job and apartment for over three years, etc. -- but i can certainly relate to this article.

and apparently it's not just americans. we are not alone in this... either as individuals or as a nation.

i have yet to read the full article -- it's snowy and slick here, and i'm not venturing out just for a magazine -- but i hope to pick it up soon. intriguing [not to mention a nice segue from the previous discussion].

thoughts?

i've never dated anyone.

there. i said it. i've never dated anyone. i'd like to say it's been some sort of noble cause, as if i have a stack of dusty applications lazily strewn on a desk from suitors that just didn't make the cut. but it is what it is: no drama, no what-ifs, no ex-es. simply put, no interested parties.

in some ways i am thankful. i see the pain of rejection in the eyes of friends, and i hear the hurt in their voices. i feel their grief in my heart, but know it is not quite the same. i watch the relationships that should never have been, and i listen to the stories of boyfriends past. i feel their burden on my heart, but know it is not quite the same. i see and understand the pain well, but for the most part, i am removed from it.

on the other hand, this circumstance certainly creates a lot of questions. is it a test of patience? is it something i lack? is there something wrong with me? never are we promised a mate, which raises a most unsettling question: is there even anyone out there for me?

is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? i sort of feel like it's the difference between a gunshot wound and a chronic illness. the difference between horrifying, intense pain which can be pinpointed, cleansed, bandaged and healed; and a slow, underlying ache which can only be controlled, subdued, and kept at bay. the difference between having scars that can be pointed at and talked about; and having open-ended questions, continually wondering if your illness has any hope for a cure. the difference between knowing specifically the event that caused your pain; and wondering aimlessly why you were chosen for this particular booby prize. the difference between having someone reject you; and never having someone to reject you. a rejection from man; and a seeming rejection from all mankind.

as dire as this all sounds, most days i'm perfectly fine with it all. i can rest in the knowledge that i am a whole and complete person unto myself, and that i can spend the entire day in my pajamas without leaving my apartment, eating chocolate ice cream and watching what not to wear, and no one would ever be the wiser. occasionally, though, the perpetual aloneness [though not necessarily loneliness] shows up as a burden to bear. it's not really a despair, or even a sadness, really... just simply more of a weight than anything specific.

in christian circles, the state of being unmarried is often referred to as a "gift of singleness". i find this phrase theologically meaningless; a useless line created to bully single people into feeling good about being single, and to make married people who actually use this phrase feel like they're bestowing a great and holy wisdom upon said singles. instead, it imparts bad theology and the implication that if you are single you are not really allowed to be unhappy about it. it says, 'enjoy your gift, dammit, and don't complain. we're busy being content over here.' if ever i utter this phrase without severe sarcasm, dear readers, you must promise to beat me senseless.

i think i lost my "gift" receipt somewhere.

so, what's with all the verses and funky fonts?, you may be asking.

i was having a bit of 'graphic art therapy' on monday night. i've been feeling a little helpless and inadequate as of late; i have a dear dear friend that is struggling through some hard times. i want nothing more than to snap my fingers, or click my heels, or nod my head, and have all the pain go away on their behalf... but alas, life does not work that way. instead, i can listen, and i can encourage, and i can listen some more. feeling frustrated and wondering what i could do to lift my friend's burden -- as well as keep my own mind and soul occupied -- i flipped to some sheets tucked in the back of my bible.

i started reading through the old testament at some point during college. i realized that by the time i would eventually finish with malachi, it was probably going to be a looooong time before i methodically visited these writings again. so as i studied, i took to jotting down certain verses that struck me for one reason or another, since i figured i might never discover them again. these sheets have lived behind my concordance ever since.

i revisited these sheets and i thought about my friend. feeling drawn to these passages, i eventually decided to reacquaint myself with microsoft word. an accountant by trade, excel has become my program of choice; so it was with great joy that i realized i had downloaded many fonts from fontgarden eons ago. between the fonts, the formatting, and the inadvertent scripture memorization, i became painfully aware of how little i meditate on scripture nowadays. and yet how enriching it is.

for a surprise, i was going to tape the passages all over my friend's door [i decided instead to share them in person]. funny how my project of encouragement has turned into something i myself have been dwelling on constantly. along with praying for my friend, it seems it's all i've been doing and thinking about this week. so i thought i would share. be encouraged.




on an un/related note: if any redhawks have the lyrics and/or chords to "be released", please let me know...