donnie darko
instead, i sit here and reflect that even beyond the bizarreness of the main feature, there is the bizarreness of thirty-plus minutes of footage documenting the movie's rabid fans. that's right, almost forty minutes of my life that i will never get back [barring any time travelling, of course], spent mostly cringing at people hailing this movie as the hugest life-changing event of their existence. yeesh.
the most painful portion was the fifteen minute "documentary" submission by the self-proclaimed "#1 donnie darko fan". that's right, folks, this man filmed himself essentially stalking the cast and crew of the movie, from hollywood to san diego and God knows how many other places that didn't get captured on film, showing just what a
oh, and the movie was pretty neat i guess.
mdog
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crazy
this place just makes me CRAZY.
sigh
i have plenty to do but no motivation for it. i sit amidst an ever-expanding pile of crap surrounding my desk, i have yet-to-be-ironed clothing all over my apartment, i can hear the last load of laundry in the dryer. books to read, cd's to listen to, dvd's to watch.
and all i want to do is sleep.
have you ever felt like you want everything to stay exactly the same, but at the same time wish things were completely different? great apartment, secure job, dependable car, stable finances, close friends. inconsiderate neighbors, annoying work environment, car and student loans, friends far far away.
once in awhile the last one gets me. i try not to think about it; otherwise i go crazy. i guess that's where most of my weirdness is coming from today. it's hard when your closest friend isn't available by domestic minutes, or a road trip, or a flight under $600, for two years. and occasionally that hits me hard.
today would be one of those days.
addendum: not ONE HOUR after i posted this, GUESS WHO CALLS? [note: she does not read my blog, as far as i can tell.] she relayed that she received my package of all-american peanut butter and chocolate chunks on friday JUST as she and her housemate's supply was running out: apparently, a dire situation. as is so often the case, we end up emailing, or sending packages, or calling each other, precisely when it is needed most. truly, the telepathy would be frightening if it wasn't so genuinely amazing.
thank you, God: i don't deserve this sort of attention.
community
+++
friendship. i really like friendship. my family doesn't really connect well, emotionally; and so the deepest love i know this side of heaven is that of friends. i really can't express how much i value a true, solid friendship.
i've never been a person interested in getting to know a whole lot of people in any given place. 'if you can't go deep, why bother?' is sort of my attitude. other people have other outlooks, and that is totally cool. but for me, given a small handful -- heck, maybe even only one, or two -- deep, life-giving friendships in any given place, and you will find one content mdog. people that are willing to encourage me and walk with me and call me out when necessary and love me when i don't deserve it... this is where healing is found.
this [small college town] is a bad town to be in, in terms of the likelihood of people leaving my life. i remember saying at one point, "i'm not going to get to know anyone else, because they're just going to leave, anyway!" i said this jokingly, but i mean, seriously: doesn't it feel rational some days? i admit i sometimes decide to not get close to someone because i know they're only here for a defined period of time. i'm still not sure if that's a sign of cowardice, or self-preservation.
i've felt my fair share of abandonment. the end of 2003 and much of 2004 was not what i would call the best time of my life. much of my support system had either moved away or were otherwise unavailable to me. at some point i started getting connected with others again; but i had to make efforts, many of which took me out of my comfort zones. i'm an introvert through and through... but even introverts need community and connection. i know relationships aren't going to be handed to me on a silver platter: after any initial easy connections, they take a certain amount of maintenance and thought to stay healthy. sometimes i feel left out of things. i think we all do. and then sometimes you have to take charge of your life and find or create situations where you can be open and available to people. and it's not always easy. but it's usually good.
+++
any thoughts on the subject of friendship? unleash.
heavy
- 1 Peter 3:1-5
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
- Proverbs 31:25-26
- 1 Samuel 16:7
my heart is heavy tonight. these
sorts of thoughts, along with some other additional stuff, have been
invading my consciousness all day. [as for why: don't ask.] if anyone
feels like reminding me that i really am an awesome and incredible
person, and that you love me and think i'm amazing, i could really use
it today. seriously.
as girls go, i'm not very girly. i don't do anything much with my hair.
i don't color it, i don't prod it, i don't floof around with it. wash,
gel, muss, done. i don't wear makeup. i don't even know the process.
foundation? blush? gimme some face wash and point me to the door. i
don't wear fancy jewelry. i barely own any at all, fancy or no. i
don't remember the last time i bought clothing not on sale, much less
"fine". i try not to dress in a way that would end up with me starring
on what not to wear; but extravagant, i am not.
in our culture today, everything i
listed above is counterintuitive if you're even vaguely in the market
for a husband. i'm definitely on the vague end of the spectrum; yet there are times when all
of my surroundings and interactions magnify that vagueness without my
realization or permission. in these moments, the inevitable question arises: if i were doing these things, would i already have someone to wake up to every morning?
on the other hand, i know plenty of
people already doing everything i listed above -- not that there's anything
wrong with that -- and they're no farther on the path to marriage than
i am. you'd think this should tell me, and all of us, something. but
more often than not, we ignore the obvious, and we get wrapped up in outward appearances. but if i just do this... and
if i just wear these.... or if i just looked like that.....
we believe the lies. we believe the
lies that it's the packaging, the packaging, the packaging! which is the most important focus. and we fail to remember the truth
that it is the product... the inner self... which we should be focused on renewing. it's the
ultimate marketing
scheme, playing on the fears and the faults and the failings of the
human condition, put on by none other than the ruler of the kingdom of
the air.
and from the looks of things, he's doing a damn good job.
purity and reverence... gentle and quiet spirit... strength and dignity... wisdom and faithfulness.
Lord, help me to grow into these characteristics. and help me in continuing to laugh at the days to come.
redemption
- David Dark, Everyday Apocalypse
unrelated thoughts
if you're in the mood to opine on actual substance [instead of whatever this is], go visit paul, share your thoughts, help a brother out.
thoughts on a staff meeting
DEAR GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE.
relevant
comprehension
i know verbal processing is not my strong point, but still. i'm feeling a little out of sorts today.
