if you're out there reading,
and you don't understand,
...don't worry about it.

 

my drive to work has been accompanied by these two jacklegs all week.
the snail in the beige ford consistently drives thirty miles per hour.
the ass in the yellow bmw consistently drives on my bumper.

and somehow, i seem to get stuck between them.
my own personal road rage inducing hell.

"shrimpin' ain't easy"

"you need conversational training wheels"

"i'm servin' up hot sloppy plates of jambalaya!"
"uh... i don't think that's very good marketing there."

i am reminded today, even moreso than most days, of just how damn selfish i am.

i resist certain changes for the simple fact that they disrupt the patterns of MY life. despite the fact that they may better someone other than myself... despite the fact that they are to be a quite expected part of life... despite the fact that they should be supported by, of all people, me.

or maybe it's not selfishness. maybe it's jealousy. or neediness. then again, it could just be the time-honored tradition of good ol' pms. whatever it is, it's causing me to doubt my sanity once again.

come to think of it... perhaps it is the lack of control. i lack any kind of control over these changes. and as often happens, the overcompensation results in a vise-like grip on any perceived vestige of control that may bring itself to light. yep, that's real good for growth.

life has thrown me some curveballs lately [and by "lately" i mean anywhere from the past two months to the past two years] that have all too easily shown just how little control i have over outward events that affect my inward life. mind you, i'm not taking the woe-is-me-i'm-a-victim stance on life. i'm just stating the obvious: sometimes life catches me off guard. shakes up my columns. messes with my locus of control.

i don't really like that.

and the kicker of it all is that if you asked about my general outlook on life, the universe, and everything... i would say that ultimately, God is in control. which makes this entire entry seem just a bit... silly. doesn't it? i want for it to be all about me, but at the same time i fully acknowledge that this is neither the way things are nor the way things should be. i've been cycling those opposing thoughts in my head every hour or so. it's really quite dreadful, because i should already be in bed because i know i won't get to sleep right away because i'm thinking all these thoughts because i am feeling insane because of my fallen human condition.

perhaps it would do me well to focus on something other than self.

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails.

the antithesis of self, this seems.
Lord, help me to love so recklessly, despite the risk.

french silk pie blizzard...

mmmmm.

40-20, good guys win...

GO REDHAWKS!!

so, i was sitting here on a thursday night watching public access, as university students careened themselves down a hill in makeshift sleds.

in february of 2003, around a foot and a half of snow was dumped on my corner of the world. life essentially stopped for about three days... schools and colleges were closed. stores, businesses, also closed. no traffic, anywhere, except for emergency. so, what are rural ohioans to do?

there is something dreaded on the local college campus...
something students must face daily.
it is called...
jeff hill.

me, i've never been student here. i did, however, temp at the student center for about a month. i had to walk up this hill [named for jefferson hall, which sits at its base] more times than i care to remember. so -- before i discovered the elevator shortcut through the music building -- i invariably showed up at work panting like i'd just run a 400m race. anyway, all this to say: this is a steep and centrally located hill.

there are literally hours and hours of film -- taken from sometime in the late morning until the streetlamps have clearly kicked on -- of students sledding down this hill. it's really quite amusing, even in reruns. and not to mention educational: did you know that a table [you know, the kind with metal folding legs] makes a fairly slick sled for you and your seven closest friends? i did not know this. also: rubbermaid totes, mattresses, random scraps of flat things, and of course the obligatory dining hall lunch trays are also effective in a pinch.

what struck me as i watched it this time [yes, they've played it several times and i've seen it several times] was the girl coming back from whatever store happened to be open at that time, heading down to her destination via lunch tray... clutching a twenty-four pack of natural light. i thought, "why go back to your apartment and drink when this opportunity lies before you? this looks way more fun than drinking terrible beer!" as was the common wail/excuse/fallacy of my own rural college town, there is the same wail/excuse/fallacy here: "there's nothing to do except get drunk!"

well, well, my friends. eighteen inches of snow plus a steep grade equals good times for all. why not take advantage of it? it wasn't planned by student senate, it's not being touted as an "alternative to partying"; it's just some good old-fashioned playground fun. as i continued to watch, i noticed that no one was arguing, no one was complaining, no one was cutting in line [there was really only one good pathway down the hill]. everyone was having fun. well, except maybe the guy that ran into the tree. but even then it seemed pretty fun. it was one of the only times i actually yearned to be a college student again [and here at my rival college, no less]... the childlike enthusiasm brought forth by the entire scenario was positively heartwarming.

it's kind of like "where's waldo?", but -- um..... not.
can you find the, uh..... blooper?
thanks to johnny for this link .

if you google "aol is the devil", guess what site comes up first?

freakin awesome.

my banner title seems to have... exploded.
weird.

bring on the upgrades, squarespace.