message board posting. december 30, 2003.

[it's kinda long.]

:::

+++

i believe in God - church of rhythm

a man walked up to me the other day
he was very educated, he had a lot of things to say
he was oh-so-forward-thinking, and so very up-to-date
and he wanted to teach me about faith

he said, "how can you believe in a Thing you've never seen?"
he said, "how can you believe with all the evil that we have seen?"
he said, "don't you know that no one believes
in your simple old-fashioned faith?"

i said, "i believe in God"
i said, "i believe in the impossible"
i said, "i believe in God
though none go with me, i will follow"

he said, "man, i've been to a church
well, i was lied to, judged and hurt
well, all i saw was guilt and hypocrisy...
why believe?"

i said, "friend, you didn't meet my God that day"
i said, "friend, sit down, let me tell you about grace
well, i've been where you are some yesterday, but today,
i believe..."

i said, "i've been saved by faith"
i said, "Jesus loves me, this i know"
i said, "i believe in grace
and where He leads me, i will follow"

so don't turn away
please don't close your eyes
if i did not believe with all that i am
well i would not waste your time...

i said, "i believe in God"
i said, "i believe in the impossible"
i said, "i believe in God
though none go with me, i will follow"

i said, "i've been saved by faith"
i said, "Jesus loves me, this i know"
i said, "i believe in grace
and where He leads me, i will follow"

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so, many of you know about the struggles i have been going through regarding church. for those who don't, a quick and concise explanation would be that i left my old church in august... due to heart-wrenching leadership disagreement[s] with a man who is not only pastor, but friend. so, after countless sleepless nights, i chose to leave this church [little "c"], knowing that the bitterness and disappointment and numerous other rollercoaster emotions [many unfit to print here] regarding him and the situation, would simply foster more hurt all around had we continued on in this way. anyway, it's been... almost half a year [wow] and still the bitterness rages, though time has helped to heal some of the surface scratches. deep wounds though, have been left untouched [by lazy old me]... i know i must forgive, and desperately want to [in theory]. but when the rubber meets the road... i have had no desire to open the gate to that particular path just yet. and then i heard this song... certainly not for the first time. i have sung this song for others before, in fact... but this is the first time i listened to it and found myself honestly relating, not only to the author, but also to the disillusioned man. hurt by christians... burned by church. strange to find myself in both mindsets concurrently... not only am i in need of [re]discovering grace in the Church, but i am in need of extending this same grace to another in the Church... so that [in context of this song] when others see my life... they will not see 'lies... judgment... hurt... guilt... hypocrisy'... they will be able to see grace being walked out, and made reality. i pray that i will make it there sooner rather than later... yet, God's will be done.

but, i'm not done yet. the second head-spinning song:

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where is God - church of rhythm

where is God in all of this?
where is my faith in all of this?
where are the answers
to help me live through this?

he can't stand the fighting anymore
he goes to his room, he shuts the door
and somewhere a father and a mother
talk about divorce again

she's been missing since last may
she would have turned thirteen today
and somewhere a father and I
say a prayer for this little girl...

where is God in all of this?
where is my faith in all of this?
where are the answers
to help me live through this?

maybe i'm a doubting thomas
maybe i've a skeptics heart
if i can't believe that everything
can be Jesus-talked away

i know God is real, and i need Him
more than i need any slogan
God be real to me
and heal this darkness in my faith...

where is God in all of this?
where is my faith in all of this?
where are the answers
to help me live through this?

i may not understand, but there is God
i may feel alone, but i have God
i may not believe, but through it all
He's still my God...

[chorus 2]:
there is God in all of this
there is my faith in all of this
there are the answers
to help me to live through this

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this pretty much sums up me right now. there is darkness and there is despair and there is questioning... but at the core of my faith and my being... still i know God is here and desires only the best for me and for the course of my life. unfortunately that often means pruning and pain... but on the other side of that, i know there is growth to be found.

:::

about two hours ago i was informed that my partial-raise-now,-partial-raise-in-january has been revised. it is now being taken care of all at once, effective september 1st.

background: next month, i will be taking over many of the responsibilities of my supervisor [while still performing my current duties]. about a month ago i was given the aforementioned now-and-later update for compensation of the new duties. however, the "now" figure was what i felt i ought to be earning already, without the new responsibilities [which i had stated in a previous conversation, and pointed out immediately]. to say i was disgruntled would be a gross understatement. also very important to note: this whole salary update was finally revealed after two months of "i'll let you know next week"s and "i'm still working on the budget"s. two months! note to management: don't string your employees along when it comes to their livelihood. it makes them feel highly unappreciated, and it makes them think that you think that they're so stupid, they can't see that you're stringing them along. not good for morale.

background to the background: the last raise i received was in june of 2003, most of which was part of a cost-of-living increase given to all employees. however, a percentage of nearly nothing doesn't go very far, now, does it?

salaries and wages are funny things. clearly, we have jobs so that we can survive; workers earn their keep. i was elated to land this job after months of unemployment/sporadic employment: "i know where my rent is coming from this month! i can pay bills!" but there comes a point when a job becomes more than the means to survival and safety; our motivation changes. higher-level needs come into play. our earnings become tied to our sense of belonging in the company, and our worth to the organization. obviously, i realize that working in a not-for-profit organization nets me much less than i could earn by offering my skills and talents elsewhere... but even so, i feel that i have been undervalued and underappreciated for far too long. [i do process payroll, you know.]

that being said, i doubt that this offer was completely altruistic; they know i have been unhappy for awhile, and floating paper around. i have a lot of knowledge that they need in order to function smoothly as an organization, especially with my supervisor leaving. it's in their best interests to keep me from jumping ship. even so, this revised offer shows me they at least realize i'm an asset to the organization.

anyway. all this to explain that the "good and fulfilling" bit isn't necessarily referring to little green rectangular pieces of paper; it's about respect and appreciation.

carry me, Your love is wider than my need could ever be
come to me, i will walk along Your shoreline
feel Your crashing waves sing in time with the pounding of my heart

come down, pour out on me
come down, pour out on me

than these legs could ever trustworthy be?

jars of clay, copyright 1999 bridge building music, inc/pogostick music/bmi

i'm not sure what it is about this song, but i really like it. each time i hear it i'm struck by its beauty. the simple-yet-complicated drumset, the gentle guitars, the understated piano, the ethereal lyrics.

i'm one of those folks that has a rough time with poetry. to me, it just doesn't make sense... it seems unfinished. it needs music. [finger rolls on bongos don't count.]

on their own, i wouldn't be impressed much by these lyrics. but the music makes it just right.

[some   samples ].

i'm just never going to get to bed earlier than midnight anymore.

i was just in a picture with some friends in california.
we were on the phone as they snapped various photos.

i had to smile and everything...
i have hilarious friends.

added some links off to the right there... people coming soon.

helped a couple of folks move today. someone i met about eleven hours ago [friend of a friend], and also a co-worker.

the motley crew that assembles on moving day is usually pretty intriguing. family, close friends, co-workers, and acquaintances, all swooping upon one household to help another in need. warm greetings intertwined with introductions and a few "we've met before, haven't we?"s for good measure... strange how a simple u-haul seems to bring some of the scattered threads in one's life together.

for some reason i'm rather adept at keeping those threads scattered. or, compartmentalized, if you will. friends from home. friends from college. friends from work. friends from church. and subcategories within those. i often wonder why that is. i think i mainly don't want to be responsible for a tedious, awkward encounter. it's bad enough to be involved in one; but to go about creating one? egad.

it's silly, i know. it's that perfectionist in me... the everything-must-be-just-so-or-why-bother? mentality. does anyone else do this, or am i just a freak? hmmm.

at any rate, the moving is done, and it's time for bed...
i'm exhausted.

is it really that hard to email or phone if you're going to call off an activity? i mean, come on.

as if i don't have enough church leadership communication issues already.