Entries by mdog (891)
observations
mdog
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overheard
Guy: So, are you becoming a nun or a ninja?
Girl: I'm becoming a nun... ja.
[via overheardinnewyork]
recovering
50 fun things
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
bathroom humor
i don't like office bathrooms. even my preferred option -- the all-inclusive, one-person only, "studio bathroom" -- is kind of annoying since there is the potential for a queue forming, and then whether or not you created any kind of stink in there, all eyes are on you upon exiting. but these are only minor issues. the multiple-stall restroom is far more displeasing.
social dynamics come into play when there are two or more stalls. it's not something i enjoy. i do not want to talk to you, my co-worker, while either of us are in the potty. i really just don't. and while conversing during hand washing is completely acceptable, if i don't have anything to talk to you about, we can either wash silently in front of the giant mirror [slightly awkward], or we can do the office small talk thing [slightly awkward AND painful]. and it's not like you want to start a long conversation that requires hanging out in the bathroom any longer than necessary.
and then, sometimes, there are games. you know what i'm talking about. the most popular seems to be the Don't Leave The Stall Until Everyone Has Exited The Bathroom game. optional DLTSUEHETB add-ons include Don't Make Any Noise and Don't Shit, Either. basically the worst games ever and, again: awkward.
and then there are the actual people. here are the three kinds of people who have been bothering me lately. the first is someone who apparently has similar system requirements and processing as me, because almost every time i am in the restroom SHE IS THERE TOO AND IT IS FREAKING ME OUT A LITTLE. plus, she destroys the airspace. gross. the second is a woman who seems to be some sort of olympic restroom qualifier, because i have never known anyone to get in and out of the bathroom so quickly. i think she starts unzipping/unbuttoning/undressing in the hallway or something, because she has walked in, gotten in and out of the stall, washed, and walked out of the restroom, and meanwhile i've been there the whole time and am just reaching for the toilet paper. it actually sort of makes me feel inadequate, like, am i doing something wrong? why am i so slow here? the third woman is the opposite of the second. very leisurely. it's like niagara falls compared to a gardening can. i've never been in there long enough to experience the entire routine, but she is clearly in no hurry. i don't think efficiency is really a goal to strive for in this situation, but seriously? you have, do, and will do this every day, multiple times a day, don't you think you should be moving along a little faster by now?
and don't even get me started on un-dry toilet seats...
musings
"Why are Christians so bent on airing their views? Many Christians are actually told that it doesn't matter that they lack reasoning skills, or that they know little about other religious and philosophical worldviews. All that matters is that they know the truth of the Bible, and this is apparently reason enough for people to listen to them whether or not they are making much sense. They are not to be shy about inviting themselves even into arenas of debate where they are clearly in above their heads. Such persons imagine that they are bringing God's truth into the discussion, when in reality all they are doing is confirming to everyone involved that there must surely be a relationship between simple-mindedness and Christian belief.
One might think that this only proves that the Bible does make people irrational. For since the Bible claims to be the truth, even the authoritative word of God, people who believe they have the truth will naturally want to impose it upon everyone else. Such a person has little use for the process of reasoning because all that matters to him is the bottom line. He has already looked up the answer in the back of the book; why then the need to show his work? Everyone is just supposed to take his word for it."
[from "Does Believing the Bible Make You Irrational?" via musingson]
longing
the french press full of caramel truffle coffee sitting on my counter at home sure would taste good right about now.
oops.
