i hit refresh on my webmail and suddenly got one of those generic non-domain domain pages, you know, the kind that have just a bunch of random links on them. it's been like this for twenty minutes.

i'm freaking out a little here.

i like paul. he is a good egg.

that is all. 

this evening i was introduced to detachable penis by king missile [thanks cindy and jeff!].

i'll let the lyrics speak for themselves... a blog in and of itself.

whoa.
 

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again
This happens all the time
It's detachable
This comes in handy a lot of the time
I can leave it home when I think it's going to get me in trouble
Or I can rent it out when I don't need it

But now and then I go to a party
Get drunk
And the next morning I can't for the life of me
Remember what I did with it
First I looked around my apartment
And I couldn't find it
So I called up the place where the party was
They hadn't seen it either
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'Cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time
So I told them if it pops up to let me know

I called a few people who were at the party
But they were no help either
I was starting to get desperate
I really don't like being without my penis for too long
It makes me feel like less of a man
And I really hate to have to sit down every time I take a leak

After a few hours of searching the house
And calling everyone I could think of
I was starting to get very depressed
So I went to the Kiev and ate breakfast
Then as I walked down Second Avenue toward St. Mark's Place
Where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street
I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven
Some guy was selling it
I had to buy it off him
He wanted 22 bucks but I talked him down to 17
I took it home
Washed it off
And put it back on
I was happy again
Complete
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached
But I don't know
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass
I like having a detachable penis

no, not a post on my current disposition.

since when does "sweet and sour [ insert meat of choice here ]" have PICKLES? okay, ya, they're sour. but that's just weird.

mental note: order the beef with broccoli next time. 

why?

and the other day -- i swear to you -- i was on hold TO MIDI SONGS.

if that doesn't make you want to kill yourself, i don't know what will. 

went for a short run with kt on saturday morning. i now find it impossible to walk down hills or stairs without wondering when my quads are going to give way and send me into a free fall tumble.

later that saturday we wandered around barnes & noble for a week or two and found ourselves sufficiently overwhelmed by the choices before us. neither of us got anything at all, aside from highly randomized factoids that may be of great use in a game of trivial pursuit, or an appearance on jeopardy. surprisingly, i was most amused/fascinated by one of those astrological sign books, if only for the fact that it was almost frightening once we figured out what our signs really were.

i'm intrigued, in an odd sort of way. any thoughts? for your own amusement, you can say that i'm full of b.s., and it turns out that might be true... says this taurus.

update: just. went. down. three. flights. of. stairs. what. was. i. thinking. no tumbles, but anyone watching would immediately suspect drunkenness, given the flailing legs and clutching of the handrails.

i'm thinking it may be a good time to get a new phone.

i'm pondering getting one like paul's new toy, or perhaps one i was ogling once long ago. so i stopped into the local sprint store this afternoon.

aside: can i just tell you how much these brick-and-mortar cell phone stores freak me out? you've got a huge room that has, at most, a dozen products. you've got three or four vultures standing around, watching through the plate glass windows just waiting for you to come in so that they can swoop in and assist you with all of your questions and NEVER GIVE YOU A MOMENT'S SILENCE OR PRIVACY OH MY GOD GIVE ME SOME SPACE WOULD YOU PLEASE I NEED ROOM TO BREATHE. look, buddy, i know exactly what my current phone plan is, and i know how much the current ones suck, and i know exactly which two phones i want to pick up and handle and test, so would you please stop following me around like i need help finding my own ass?

so anyway, back to the store. paul's already had problems with these clowns ["i want to buy a phone from you." "no." "no?" "no." "um?" "come back next week." "but... i... want... to... buy... a... phone... from... you. like... now. seriously. i would like to give you money in exchange for your product." "how does thursday two weeks from now sound?" *paul slashes own wrists in violent rage*]. they have the a900, but of course, the a840 is out of stock.

now here's the part where i get angry [besides the part where Sprint Boy is trying to explain things that i already know]. hypothetically:

1) i can get a $150 rebate on a new sprint phone because i've been with them forever.
2) in order to receive said rebate, this requires signing up for a new contract.
3) the contract must cost at least $34.99 [WHAT??].
4) i am completely happy with my $29.99 free and clear plan.
5) the free and clear plan is no longer available to new customers.
6) therefore i must sign up for a $39.99 fair and flexible plan, because
7) THERE ARE NO $34.99 PLANS IN EXISTENCE. AT ALL. NONE.

or i can just wait for the phone to go on sale and buy the damn thing without worrying about the rebate. or i could buy one on ebay again. or i could steal paul's.

or i could call customer service and see what kind of magic i can work.

what i CAN'T do is keep using this phone indefinitely, because it's either going to fall apart [literally] or possibly electrocute me while i'm using it.